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What Will People Say At Your Funeral?
My muscles ache sometimes for no reason at all. Most nights I’m in bed before 9 p.m. I watch CBS Sunday Morning and consider Charles Osgood a close friend though we have never met. Just this morning I yelled at a kid to ‘get off my lawn!’… He was mowing it. I had forgotten I hired him for the task. Yes, I’m getting old and with every passing day that I’m forced to face my mortality I often wonder what will people say about me when I’m gone?
For my age, I’ve been to far too many funerals of friends that I grew up with. Some passing on by way of unfortunate accidents while others for various health reasons. They were all bittersweet occasions. Bitter because of the person passing way before their prime and sweet because of all the nice things friends and family have to say about them now that they’re gone. Things they probably should have said while they were still here to hear it.
Sometimes I think about planning my own funeral. We’ve all done that, right?
I’ve often wondered what distinguishable mark I would leave on the hearts and minds of the people that knew me. How many people will show up to my funeral? Who will have nice things to say about me? I once considered sending out invitations asking people to prematurely R.S.V.P. just to see who would respond. My list of invitees consisted of the usual suspects… friends, family, ex-girlfriends, a few bill collectors that I owe money to and, (of course) Kanye West (because there should always be a bigger asshole than you at your funeral).
I hope that my time here on Earth was spent well. My hope is that I made a difference in at least one person’s life. If I did everything right, my eulogy will have words like funny, handsome, kind, handsome, caring, handsome, considerate, selfless, reliable, modest and handsome.
Things I would not want to hear at my funeral:
- Whew! I owed him money…
- He looks like Caitlyn Jenner.
- Finally!
- I’m all out of tears (well go chop an onion mother f****r! This ain’t the time to dry up!)
- I’mma let you finish, but Michael Jackson had the BEST FUNERAL OF ALL TIME! (Security, please remove Mr. West. His wife can stay.)
Things I would want to hear at my funeral:
- Damnit! He owed us money!
(Take that Bank of America!) - I never realized how much more handsome he was than Idris Elba.
- Dear God! Take me instead!
(If I’m wrong and He does exist, I will do my best to accommodate your request.) - I can’t stop crying.
- Where’s the after party?!?!
The funny thing about planning your own funeral is that you’re betting on biting the dust before any of the people that you’re hoping will attend do. Wanting to die first so that you’ll have a better head count at your funeral is probably the most egotistical thing you could possibly imagine. I guess getting into Heaven is out of the question. Good thing I’m an Atheist.
Almost every year for the past 6 years and on the same day, I’ve posted the same pic of me in the hospital during my temporary and untimely demise in 2015. A few weeks after I was back to “normal”, I asked Eric “Why’d you take the pics?” And he said, “I knew you would want to write about it if you lived.” Eric was right. Eric was often right and Eric always had my best interest at heart. I am going to miss my friend.
You ever meet someone and become friends immediately?! Well this was not the case with Eric. Before he was my manager at Morgan Stanley, I would often see this 6’4″, giant white guy walk up to the only black woman at work, say something then walk away without any hint of human emotion. Naturally I thought he was a jerk until I asked her “Yo, is that dude bothering you?” She laughed and proceeded to tell me he was a great person, which I ultimately got to experience first hand. Little did I know this Italian from Staten Island was more Brooklyn than most Brooklynites.
Eric was not with the shits!! If there were ever someone who lived their life in direct, honest and no uncertain terms, that would be Eric. He would ask me questions at work like “Why are the other consultants making more money than you?” I knew the answer to that question and so did he. Eric then proceeded to increase my salary by 15K. After arguing with all our managers that “You need to hire Alfred!”, they eventually did 1 year prior to the 2015 incident. In the hospital, one of my friends asked me, “What if you didn’t have health insurance when this happened?” I would be in debt for the rest of my life is the obvious answer. I still am in debt for the rest of my life but at least, it is to those who made sure I had a more enjoyable life and for that, I will gladly repay.
My mom loved to tell me the story of how she met Eric. After they told her I was going to be in the ICU for some time, she told the doctor “Well I’m not going anywhere.” She then hears a voice from that back of the room that says “Well I’m not going anywhere either!” That was Eric and in true form, he was at that hospital every single day until I was discharged.
Eric passed away in December 2021 of stage 4 cancer. After feeling faint on his way to my bbq, he went to get checked out and was diagnosed. During the past 5 years, Eric lost his mom, twin brother and dad. I can’t even begin to imagine what that must have felt like but I’m glad that pain he was feeling is no more.
From being my manager to my business partner, writer, book editor, artistic director, and most importantly, my friend, I am going to miss you MC Krispy E a.k.a “Enrique Pollazo!” And although you told me Enrique means Henry in Spanish and not Eric, it was too late!
Sidebar. The day I was discharged, while everyone was deciding what was best for me, no one had remembered that I would need clothes in order to leave the hospital. Eric shows up (unasked) with all the clothes I had on the day I coded, laundered and ready to go. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve friends like this but i need to keep doing it! Sidebar complete.
Rest in Peace Eric. “Be Good.”
I had the distinct pleasure of participating in a panel discussion on writing your first book, presented by the Harlem chapter of Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity Inc. Alongside Jim St. Germain, Author – A Stone of Hope: A Memoir and Dr. Keneshia Nicole Grant, Author – The Great Migration and the Democratic Party: Black Voters and the Realignment of American Politics in the 20th Century. We opined on pain points, benefits and strategies regarding our inaugural voyages into authorship. Feel free to watch for your self and I hope this provides some insight to all those looking to make the same voyage. Enjoy!
