Welcome to the N.C Double Haze’s Sweet Cheeba 16!
It’s another glorious 4/20 and the weather’s perfect for a pot smoke-off. I’m your host, Bent Must-Burger alongside Spark Kellog (Frosted Flakes after I spark the blunt). It’s been a grueling tournament this year and we’ve seen several early round upsets. No one expected Both Presidents Bill Clinton and Barack Obama to have been eliminated so early.
It was also shocking to witness Rhianna single-handedly eliminate the entire NFL, NBA, and leave Matthew McConaughey dazed and confused (high Rhianna). Once she came up against Bob Marley in the Caribbean Conference, however, it was a forgone conclusion she wouldn’t make it out awake. Maybe next year Rhi Rhi (bye Rhianna).
Judging was based on three criteria; Advocacy, Usage and Over-usage.
Let’s review the contestants and how we arrived at the main event; Willie Nelson vs. Bob “Iron Lion” Marley!
a.k.a On The Roach Again
Maybe the oldest living pot smoker in the contest, Willie has gone to battle on several occasions advocating for the legalization of marijuana and even has plans to launch his own brand of weed along with dispensaries.
Hailing from Texas, USA, Willie is High-ly favored in this contest and has taken home the Golden Bong several years prior. Willie has worked his way through this competitive field and is currently matched up against Bob Marley for the championship.
a.k.a The Iron Lion
Although ranked #2 worldwide, the honorable Robert Nester Marley may be the original pop icon for cannabis.
Hailing from Kingston Jamaica, the legendary musician and social activist is also world renowned for burning it down, and whose namesake is 100% synonymous with weed. If there were ever a Mount Smokemore, Bob Marley would certainly be the first image captured in granite. I feel sorry for whoever has to chisel all those dreads into stone though.
a.k.a “The Iron Lung”
Method Man has been a longtime cheeba ambassador for decades. 1/9th of the Legendary Wu Tang Clan, the Ticallian Stallion, with movies like How High and multiple references as well as exploits with his pot partner in crime Redman is certainly nothing to f*ck with! Johnny Blaze has made it to the finals several times but was dealt a fatal blow against Hurricane Willie this year in the semi finals.
Reggie Noble’s namesake is a testament to his sworn dedication to burning it down. Hailing from Brick City, New Jeruz, a.k.a New Jersey, and with stoner rite of passage films like How High and songs like “How to Roll a Blunt,” Redman has certainly earned his reputation among the greats and is a formidable opponent to be reckoned with. I have never seen Redman not high, and if you think you have, it’s probably because you were stoned off your ass. Red, unfortunately, had the misfortune of going against Snoop D-O-Double-G this year which brought about a tough and early exit for the Funk Dr. Spock. We’re certain Red will recover from this and be back again next year… or in a few hours depending on how long he naps.
a.k.a. Hempty Hemp
Originally from Texas, USA, Woody is the consummate stoner and has been a staunch advocate for the legalization of marijuana and hemp. Woody has served a hard 20 minutes in jail for his advocacy and has been on a song with Ziggy Marley which makes him a 4 star general through contact high with Marley DNA. Woody made short work of the Zen Master in this years competition. This natural born smoker, however, was no match for Uncle Snoop and was ousted shortly thereafter.
a.k.a Sir Smokea Lot
You know what’s funnier than Dave Chapelle? Dave Chapelle on weed! The star of the consummate Gen X required cheeba cinema Half Baked and The Chapelle Show has clearly acknowledged his penchant for pot. He breezed through the opening rounds but was forced to withdraw during his match-up against Method Man as a result of injury. Dave suffers from a rare disease that causes THC build up around the spinal column. This ailment required emergency backiotomy surgery which cost 50 million dollars and can only be performed in South Africa. Feel better Dave!
a.k.a. Doctor Haze
Super Producer of classics like The Chronic and The Chronic 2001, The good doctor has provided the soundtrack for many a smoke session worldwide. From the introduction of Snoop Dogg, to commonly used phrases like the aforementioned chronic, and anthems like Kush, Dre has certainly done his part to further the agenda.
Although controversy has emerged that the good doctor may never have smoked, we find it hard to believe that anyone who worked with Snoop Dogg on a daily basis can legally claim they’ve never smoked. The good doctor was dealt a speedy exit by the Golden Child Wiz Khalifa. Dre has since constructed a billion dollar training facility and has vowed that next year Wiz will be beat by Dre.
a.k.a. The Golden Child
The recent emergence of Wiz Khalifa has certainly had O.Gs standing up and taking notice. So much so that Uncle Snoop basically adopted Wiz as his lost long son and collaborated on an album (High School) and multiple songs as well. With album titles like Rolling Papers and consistent mentions of usage, Wiz is the marijuana equivalent of Lebron James and has the talent to one day be one of the greatest of all time. This year however, experience beat youth and Meth took Wiz out with the never before seen “Reverse Roach.” A legendary smoking technique that just has to be seen to be believed. Don’t feel bad Wiz, this is a Shaolin master after all. See ya next year.
a.k.a Uncle Snoop
Hailing from Long Beach California, Snoop is a living brand ambassador for cannabis worldwide. Snoop smokes enough for 2 Snoops. It is rumored that Snoop is made of 20 percent marijuana, making him the first living joint in human history. After eliminating Redman and Woody Harrelson, Snoop came up against the “Bob Father.” Unfortunately, Snoop Lion was no match for Iron Lion and was defeated in a world record breaking 72 hour nonstop bong hit.
a.k.a Mad Maher the Weed Warrior
Forever the consummate advocate, Real time with Bill Maher host Bill Maher has certainly made his feelings well known for Mary Jane. As much as Bill advocates and smokes the ‘dro, however, it is tough to imagine him making it past Tommy “Big Bong” Chong. Advantage Chong.
a.k.a The Eye of the Jew
Seems like every movie Seth has ever been in has involved some sort of pot smokage from Pineapple Express to This Is The End. Seth never misses an opportunity to put somethin’ in the air, but he didn’t stand a chance against Cheech Marin and EMT were required to revive him after their match up. In fact, it was almost the end for the actor/writer/comedian. Seth is currently on a steady diet of Skittles and crab rangoons and is expected to make a speedy recovery.
One half of legendary stoner duo Cheech and Chong, Cheech Marin will certainly be a major problem in this competition. Born in East L.A and with multiple films dedicated to toking up, Cheech withstood a valiant effort from Seth Rogen to advance but would eventually and literally get smoked by Willie Nelson in a freak accident in the next round. R.I.P Cheech.
a.k.a Semper High
Former Marine, television talk show host and pitchman, Montel Williams has taken his advocacy for marijuana legalization all the way to Congress, primarily for the the health benefits as a result of his Multiple Sclerosis. Although under suspicion for juicing with the Nutri-Bullet, Montel would prove no match for Bob Marley this year. He was ousted and in currently under investigation for financing Cheetos purchases with Payday Loans at 420% interest.
Tommy “Big Bong” Chong
The second half of legendary stoner duo Cheech and Chong, Tommy Chong is one of the original bad boys of bud. This cannabis consuming Canadian was convicted on one count of conspiracy and co-celebrity cellmate with the Wolf of Wall street (“C” what I did there?)
Chong made mincemeat of Maher but Marley manhandled him mercilessly to put an end to any more movement (or alliterations).
Who knew this 22 time Olympic medalist was also a fan of the of the chronic (and we don’t mean Dr. Dre’s album).
With the lung capacity of a beluga whale and images of bong usage surfacing online, it’s amazing that any normal human would stand a fair chance against this tour de force. Unfortunately for Phelps, he wasn’t going up against a normal human this year. Mike went up against the doobie deity that is Willie Nelson, hence his early exit from the competition. Better luck next year. Now back to practice. “Stroke…Stroke…Smoke…Smoke…Smoke…”
After admission of pot usage during his years as an NBA player, and rumors of Dr. Phil Good getting it in with Dr. Jerry Buss during his time as the coach of the Lakers, it’s no surprise Phil made it to the Sweet 16. Anyone that has had to deal with the egos of Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant and most recently being the GM of the Knicks, clearly requires the stickiest of icky to manage his sanity. We’re almost certain his intake has gone up this year dealing with the biggest ego in sports (Knicks owner, Jim Dolan). Unfortunately for Phil, Woody Harrelson would take no mercy on the elderly and he dispatched Phil in the the opening round – proving once again that although everyone loves Uncle Phil, it’s hard to beat a Woody.
So here we are! Down to the last two. One shining moment! Bob vs. Willie. We know who we think should win, but we want your opinion so let us know!
See you next year!! Afro Man, take us out!
Who’s Sleeping With Your Man?
People who involve themselves in contracts without understanding the terms and conditions are bound to encounter issues down the line. Comprehending the obligations presented in a written or verbal doctrine is a basic (and primary) tenet of contract negotiations. You know exactly how many chicken nuggets are supposed to be in your value meal and you will graciously burn that Mc’Establishment to the ground should they misplace a single nug. Yet, we’ve all made the same mistakes when it comes to negotiating monogamous relationship contracts; No one ever addresses frequency!
Within the confines of a relationship, it is expected that you engage sexually with one, and only one, person. This stipulation is clear, concise and widely understood. No one discusses however, how much sex you would like to have with your partner. Funny how we speak of quality without batting an eyelash (“How was I?”) but no mention of quantity. What good is amazing sex if it occurs as frequently as Game of Throne’s episodes? If 7- 8 times a year is the net amount of sexual encounters with your mate, winter may be the only thing coming.
You wouldn’t accept a job that told you what you would be doing but did not specify frequency or pay rate. It’s also a recipe for disaster to expect an employee to show up whenever and wherever you requested. So how come we try to apply these unspoken rules to relationships and expect them to work?
If you knew your wife was only going to have sex once every 2 months, would you have married her? If you knew your husband wanted to have sex during every commercial break of every show, would you have married him? Some may say those levels of infrequency border ridiculous but given the amount of relationships that end as a result of infidelity in which infrequency plays a role, is it really a crazy notion to have the discussion to set and manage expectations?
What good is amazing sex if it occurs as frequently as Game of Throne’s episodes?
Feeling your partner up, er…I mean out, which is most often common practice during the courtship phase, seems like a logical method of determining sexual frequency/compatibility. Unfortunately, you are probably having sex every free second you can get your hands on each other in the initial stages so to assume your sexual rampage will continue at that rate is almost a recipe for disaster. There aren’t enough condoms at Walmart to sustain this pace and you may fracture her vertebrae attempting to do so. Blown backs aside, the best you can do is probably just have a conversation and hope both parties are honest with themselves and have at least assessed their own desires before attempting to make someone else responsible for fulling them.
When dating, we tend to ask for what I believe to be idiotic requisites. Let me guess; you want to be with someone that is smart, funny, attractive, caring, etc.. What the hell does that even mean? Was there ever a time in your life that you (or anyone) were in search of an ignorant, troll faced heathen of a person to form a happy union? The answer is undoubtedly “Hell to the No!” You want someone to fit these qualifications as you see fit. It is very important that you always keep that in mind. There isn’t a pool of candidates just sitting there that you can’t seem to obtain. You are looking for something that is very specific and that you conjured up in your imagination. Don’t get upset at an entire gender or the “Dating game” when you can’t find what you are looking for. Maybe we should start asking questions and looking for actual building blocks relevant to a healthy relationship and not canned ideals of what a worthy mate should be.
Sidebar; This article was not written to justify infidelity. The intent of this is to open dialogue to avoid future transgressions, not rationalize them. Its amazing what one discovers when you revisit desires you believe have been addressed but were only assumed. Sidebar Complete.
Keep Your Friends Close, and Your Frenemies Closer
This past Sunday, the Philadelphia Eagles hosted the Carolina Panthers. Prior to the game, Eric Reid – the outspoken activist, friend and former teammate of Colin Kaepernick, and All-Pro safety – ran out to confront Eagles safety Malcolm Jenkins.
The camera caught the two getting in each others’ faces, with Reid seemingly the instigator (as a non-captain, he was not technically “supposed” to be on the field at this time). Jenkins has served as one of the most visible leader of the Players Coalition, a group of socially active NFL players formed in the wake of Kaepernick’s protest. Reid, once a visible member himself, left the group, citing differences in the approach – he believed the group should have pushed harder to include Kaepernick in meetings with the NFL and made his employment by the league the foremost part of their agenda. Ultimately, the NFL responded as all large wealthy institutions typically do – by thinly veiling a PR stunt as social engagement, and donating $90 million in “a local matching funds component to the social justice initiative”.
After the game, Reid cited this incident and called Jenkins a “sellout” and a “neo-colonialist”, in the process accusing him of co-opting the movement for his own charity. The beef and history between the two, which stems from the NFL league office’s hijacking described above, is nuanced and complex. But this confrontation left me with quite a simple, albeit surprising, feeling – sadness.
I respect both players tremendously, and I believe in a world where their differences in approach should be allowed to not only exist, but flourish. In oversimplified terms, Jenkins has been cast in the role of the pragmatic and cooperative activist, while Reid takes a hardline about the wrongs of the entrenched power structure. To some, the Players Coalition failed in not getting Kaepernick reinstated and distracting from the genuine reason he took a knee in the first place. But to others, the Players’ Coalition secured funding from the league comparable to the amount which the league donates in their largest charitable endeavors. These are the types of philosophical differences that we hope the players – and leaders of movements generally – would hash out privately and rally behind, with the proverbially “difficult conversations”.
I believe in a world where their differences in approach should be allowed to not only exist, but flourish.
In this instance, Reid and Jenkins seemed to each serve as strawmen for a frequent divide amongst those fighting for change; the reason being that this divide remains under-discussed. Typically, when we consider our philosophical divides, we do so only as those divides pertain to opposites, whether it be opposite sides of an issue, opposite views of a person, or the “end of civil discourse” (a nebulous proscription that mainstream media loves). Once we’ve identified these differences, the prevailing narrative holds, we must “reach across the aisle”, “try to understand each other”, or “expose ourselves to different viewpoints”. In today’s media, disagreement among “reasonable” people can’t happen because we’re all too hysterical to handle ourselves like thinking adults.
Forget all that. As it pertains to politics and culture, I really have no time for people who defend, directly or indirectly, putting migrant children in cages, sexual assault, or the legal erasure of trans people. After a certain point, it feels I really can’t convince you to care more about others. A more vital discussion would occur between me and those of us who generally agree, but disagree on how to tactically address what needs to change. A successful coalition is one that incorporates people who generally agree on the big picture, but as we are all individuals, naturally tactical differences will occur.
For while the media preoccupies itself with how “divided” we are in the big picture, they scarcely discuss how divided we are in the little picture.
Recent memory abounds with coalitions started on the premise of a shared general belief (or “worldview”), only to fracture due to strategic and/or tactical differences. Though it may be over-reported, the rancor between Bernie Sanders voters and Hillary Clinton voters felt very real; I’m going to guess if you had a strong predilection for either candidate over the other, you would even more strongly prefer that person be president than the one we got. This pattern seems to come up in almost every social movement in history; from labor struggles to racial justice. By the time these splits occur, it is almost always too late.
Eric Reid’s choice to call Jenkins a “sellout” was particularly fascinating. For while the NFL certainly acted cynically in co-opting the promise of the Players’ Coalition, are we supposed to believe that when Nike – another large, multinational corporation – released an ad with Kaepernick, they had suddenly been paid a visit by the altruism fairy? Powerful though these ads were, corporations don’t do things that are not in their best interests! And both Nike and the NFL reinforced this: Nike wouldn’t have made Kap the face of its campaign if they didn’t think he was marketable (Nike stock rose significantly in the wake of the ads), and the NFL wouldn’t donate to any charity if it didn’t garner good press. At the time of the Nike ads, some called Kaepernick a sellout, as if partnering with ANY corporate brand tarnishes his reputation as a fighter for social justice, even as the advertisements brought greater awareness and spotlight to his desired goals (and greater financial means to devote to them).
In addition to the disagreement itself, I felt sadness at our tendency to even lump Jenkins and Reid together, as people who are fighting for social justice in the first place. We should all support justice for those murdered at the hands of the police and the civil rights of people of color, yet because they happen to have pointed this out in public, they are grouped together as “fighting for the same thing”. Again, nuance matters, and it remains possible that their individual versions of justice and the steps to take towards it may differ, even within the context of something we should all agree on. The range of discourse is so narrowly defined that we can’t even adequately spot the difference in people who generally want the same thing through different means, and people who are truly allied in the same fight. This flattens our discourse and makes us think everyone agrees, and thus we are simply unprepared for the inevitable moment when they don’t.
When does one become a sellout?
Clearly, the entire episode here provides more questions than answers: When does one become a sellout? When do the amoral motives of organizations looking to capitalize on a moment outweigh the benefits of their actions? At what point have those with whom we share a general goal turned their back on that goal enough to warrant aggression or excommunication? And most importantly: if our struggles are overwhelmingly interconnected, how do we address them in a way that satisfies both of our goals and moves the needle? I don’t have answers to any of these, but I hope we navigate the difficult arrival of those questions with awareness and civility.
The first season of #metoo is heading towards a climactic season finale entitled “KavaNAW.” With all the twists and turns involved in this latest episode, it’s sure to garner the vaunted ratings our Child in Chief adores.
We start things off with a Supreme Court judge nominee that went above and beyond to express the influence of women in his life during the beginning of his hearing – detailing how his mother was his role model, his wife his rock, and the joy he felt coaching his daughter’s basketball team.
Just when we thought we were headed to the end of the episode, the plot twist revealed itself!
That was followed by a slew of questions from the Senate that revealed his impeccable memory and a sudden convenient case of amnesia that struck in the middle of the scene. Let’s just say KavaNAW’s acting performance in this segment will not garner him an Emmy nomination.
Just when we thought we were headed to the end of the episode, the plot twist revealed itself!
It appears that KavaNAW foreshadowed the dilemma to come by trying to head us off at the pass. His previous admiration of the women in his life has now been interrupted by allegations of fawning over a classmate in high school. The only problem is the type of fawning alleged seems more like attempted rape than expressing interest.
Now we’ve reached the pressuring of the alleged victim by the Republican senators to appear before them without any further investigation this part of the saga. Seems pretty fair if you want to expedite a vote for a supreme court justice for life ahead of midterm elections. I’m sure the Republicans aren’t afraid to hear from the American public in the polls.
If your head isn’t spinning yet, try this one on for size. A second woman has come forward with sexual misconduct allegations against KavaNAW while I was writing this article! Let’s just say it’s going to be a very interesting SEASON FINALE!
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