Welcome to the N.C Double Haze’s Sweet Cheeba 16!
It’s another glorious 4/20 and the weather’s perfect for a pot smoke-off. I’m your host, Bent Must-Burger alongside Spark Kellog (Frosted Flakes after I spark the blunt). It’s been a grueling tournament this year and we’ve seen several early round upsets. No one expected Both Presidents Bill Clinton and Barack Obama to have been eliminated so early.
It was also shocking to witness Rhianna single-handedly eliminate the entire NFL, NBA, and leave Matthew McConaughey dazed and confused (high Rhianna). Once she came up against Bob Marley in the Caribbean Conference, however, it was a forgone conclusion she wouldn’t make it out awake. Maybe next year Rhi Rhi (bye Rhianna).
Judging was based on three criteria; Advocacy, Usage and Over-usage.
Let’s review the contestants and how we arrived at the main event; Willie Nelson vs. Bob “Iron Lion” Marley!
a.k.a On The Roach Again
Maybe the oldest living pot smoker in the contest, Willie has gone to battle on several occasions advocating for the legalization of marijuana and even has plans to launch his own brand of weed along with dispensaries.
Hailing from Texas, USA, Willie is High-ly favored in this contest and has taken home the Golden Bong several years prior. Willie has worked his way through this competitive field and is currently matched up against Bob Marley for the championship.
a.k.a The Iron Lion
Although ranked #2 worldwide, the honorable Robert Nester Marley may be the original pop icon for cannabis.
Hailing from Kingston Jamaica, the legendary musician and social activist is also world renowned for burning it down, and whose namesake is 100% synonymous with weed. If there were ever a Mount Smokemore, Bob Marley would certainly be the first image captured in granite. I feel sorry for whoever has to chisel all those dreads into stone though.
a.k.a “The Iron Lung”
Method Man has been a longtime cheeba ambassador for decades. 1/9th of the Legendary Wu Tang Clan, the Ticallian Stallion, with movies like How High and multiple references as well as exploits with his pot partner in crime Redman is certainly nothing to f*ck with! Johnny Blaze has made it to the finals several times but was dealt a fatal blow against Hurricane Willie this year in the semi finals.
Reggie Noble’s namesake is a testament to his sworn dedication to burning it down. Hailing from Brick City, New Jeruz, a.k.a New Jersey, and with stoner rite of passage films like How High and songs like “How to Roll a Blunt,” Redman has certainly earned his reputation among the greats and is a formidable opponent to be reckoned with. I have never seen Redman not high, and if you think you have, it’s probably because you were stoned off your ass. Red, unfortunately, had the misfortune of going against Snoop D-O-Double-G this year which brought about a tough and early exit for the Funk Dr. Spock. We’re certain Red will recover from this and be back again next year… or in a few hours depending on how long he naps.
a.k.a. Hempty Hemp
Originally from Texas, USA, Woody is the consummate stoner and has been a staunch advocate for the legalization of marijuana and hemp. Woody has served a hard 20 minutes in jail for his advocacy and has been on a song with Ziggy Marley which makes him a 4 star general through contact high with Marley DNA. Woody made short work of the Zen Master in this years competition. This natural born smoker, however, was no match for Uncle Snoop and was ousted shortly thereafter.
a.k.a Sir Smokea Lot
You know what’s funnier than Dave Chapelle? Dave Chapelle on weed! The star of the consummate Gen X required cheeba cinema Half Baked and The Chapelle Show has clearly acknowledged his penchant for pot. He breezed through the opening rounds but was forced to withdraw during his match-up against Method Man as a result of injury. Dave suffers from a rare disease that causes THC build up around the spinal column. This ailment required emergency backiotomy surgery which cost 50 million dollars and can only be performed in South Africa. Feel better Dave!
a.k.a. Doctor Haze
Super Producer of classics like The Chronic and The Chronic 2001, The good doctor has provided the soundtrack for many a smoke session worldwide. From the introduction of Snoop Dogg, to commonly used phrases like the aforementioned chronic, and anthems like Kush, Dre has certainly done his part to further the agenda.
Although controversy has emerged that the good doctor may never have smoked, we find it hard to believe that anyone who worked with Snoop Dogg on a daily basis can legally claim they’ve never smoked. The good doctor was dealt a speedy exit by the Golden Child Wiz Khalifa. Dre has since constructed a billion dollar training facility and has vowed that next year Wiz will be beat by Dre.
a.k.a. The Golden Child
The recent emergence of Wiz Khalifa has certainly had O.Gs standing up and taking notice. So much so that Uncle Snoop basically adopted Wiz as his lost long son and collaborated on an album (High School) and multiple songs as well. With album titles like Rolling Papers and consistent mentions of usage, Wiz is the marijuana equivalent of Lebron James and has the talent to one day be one of the greatest of all time. This year however, experience beat youth and Meth took Wiz out with the never before seen “Reverse Roach.” A legendary smoking technique that just has to be seen to be believed. Don’t feel bad Wiz, this is a Shaolin master after all. See ya next year.
a.k.a Uncle Snoop
Hailing from Long Beach California, Snoop is a living brand ambassador for cannabis worldwide. Snoop smokes enough for 2 Snoops. It is rumored that Snoop is made of 20 percent marijuana, making him the first living joint in human history. After eliminating Redman and Woody Harrelson, Snoop came up against the “Bob Father.” Unfortunately, Snoop Lion was no match for Iron Lion and was defeated in a world record breaking 72 hour nonstop bong hit.
a.k.a Mad Maher the Weed Warrior
Forever the consummate advocate, Real time with Bill Maher host Bill Maher has certainly made his feelings well known for Mary Jane. As much as Bill advocates and smokes the ‘dro, however, it is tough to imagine him making it past Tommy “Big Bong” Chong. Advantage Chong.
a.k.a The Eye of the Jew
Seems like every movie Seth has ever been in has involved some sort of pot smokage from Pineapple Express to This Is The End. Seth never misses an opportunity to put somethin’ in the air, but he didn’t stand a chance against Cheech Marin and EMT were required to revive him after their match up. In fact, it was almost the end for the actor/writer/comedian. Seth is currently on a steady diet of Skittles and crab rangoons and is expected to make a speedy recovery.
One half of legendary stoner duo Cheech and Chong, Cheech Marin will certainly be a major problem in this competition. Born in East L.A and with multiple films dedicated to toking up, Cheech withstood a valiant effort from Seth Rogen to advance but would eventually and literally get smoked by Willie Nelson in a freak accident in the next round. R.I.P Cheech.
a.k.a Semper High
Former Marine, television talk show host and pitchman, Montel Williams has taken his advocacy for marijuana legalization all the way to Congress, primarily for the the health benefits as a result of his Multiple Sclerosis. Although under suspicion for juicing with the Nutri-Bullet, Montel would prove no match for Bob Marley this year. He was ousted and in currently under investigation for financing Cheetos purchases with Payday Loans at 420% interest.
Tommy “Big Bong” Chong
The second half of legendary stoner duo Cheech and Chong, Tommy Chong is one of the original bad boys of bud. This cannabis consuming Canadian was convicted on one count of conspiracy and co-celebrity cellmate with the Wolf of Wall street (“C” what I did there?)
Chong made mincemeat of Maher but Marley manhandled him mercilessly to put an end to any more movement (or alliterations).
Who knew this 22 time Olympic medalist was also a fan of the of the chronic (and we don’t mean Dr. Dre’s album).
With the lung capacity of a beluga whale and images of bong usage surfacing online, it’s amazing that any normal human would stand a fair chance against this tour de force. Unfortunately for Phelps, he wasn’t going up against a normal human this year. Mike went up against the doobie deity that is Willie Nelson, hence his early exit from the competition. Better luck next year. Now back to practice. “Stroke…Stroke…Smoke…Smoke…Smoke…”
After admission of pot usage during his years as an NBA player, and rumors of Dr. Phil Good getting it in with Dr. Jerry Buss during his time as the coach of the Lakers, it’s no surprise Phil made it to the Sweet 16. Anyone that has had to deal with the egos of Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant and most recently being the GM of the Knicks, clearly requires the stickiest of icky to manage his sanity. We’re almost certain his intake has gone up this year dealing with the biggest ego in sports (Knicks owner, Jim Dolan). Unfortunately for Phil, Woody Harrelson would take no mercy on the elderly and he dispatched Phil in the the opening round – proving once again that although everyone loves Uncle Phil, it’s hard to beat a Woody.
So here we are! Down to the last two. One shining moment! Bob vs. Willie. We know who we think should win, but we want your opinion so let us know!
See you next year!! Afro Man, take us out!
WHO IS SAM NUNBERG?
Sam Nunberg ran a one man blitz on the news circuit yesterday at a phrenetic pace that would make Trump’s tweets jealous. In a matter of a few hours he managed to get interviewed by multiple networks and increasingly displayed just how much of a shambles our political atmosphere is in. If you didn’t know who he is or just how much of a joke this presidency is….i’m sure you do now. His erratic behavior, off color remarks and see-saw style of communicating is a microcosm of how bizarre the “leadership” of this country has conducted itself.
If you didn’t know who he is or just how much of a joke this administration is….i’m sure you do now
Sam began his day with words of bravado defying the subpoena issued by Robert Mueller’s office. Followed by insults to Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Corey Lewandowski, Carter Page, Donald Trump and a slew of other characters associated with the administration. He saved his kind words and admiration for the two “stand up guys”, Roger Stone & Steve Bannon, we’ve all grown to love (SARCASM).
Sam Nunberg is also the same individual that was hired by the Trump campaign, then fired, then rehired just to be fired again. He was later sued by Trump for 10 million dollars (which was settled amicably) but remains a supporter despite disliking him for poor treatment. Does that have your head spinning yet? If not, there’s more!
During Nunberg’s later rants in the evening, he suggested that the FBI does have some damaging information on Trump and that he would end up cooperating with the investigation afterall. Yes you just read that change of heart in the same article.
Believe it or not…this is the reality show we are living under in America these days and this is the worse one yet!
Everyone is up in arms about a shitty person calling a couple of countries shit holes. But the most relevant news is not the insult from the Juvenile in Chief but the opportunities that could no longer exist for thousands of productive individuals. The words are hollow but the effects are real, and can be very impactful to our country’s future.
Immigrants are the driving force behind a growing nation and prosperous country. To put it bluntly there is no future without immigration. As this nation gets older we need the younger population to take their place in the economy to uphold the promise of this nation to all its tax payers.
The program is based on contributions that workers make into the system. While you’re employed, you pay into Social Security; you receive benefits later on, when it’s your turn to retire
Not surprisingly the immigrants that Trump negatively targeted are people of color. African countries, El Salvador and Haiti drew the ire of the “leader” of the free world. In his racist views he believes the aforementioned places don’t add value to America, but a nation with predominantly caucasian citizens like Norway do.
Not only are those assertions racist, they’re incorrect! If the President had the common sense, capability or inclining to think before he spoke, he could have just googled “what group of immigrants have the highest level of education in the u.s?”. That simple task would have saved him the embarrassment of finding out that the people he chose to disparage are exactly the type of people who have the aptitude we supposedly require.
A disproportionate percentage of black students at elite universities are immigrants or children of immigrants. Nigerian immigrants have the highest education attainment level in the United States, surpassing every other ethnic group in the country, according to U.S Bureau Census data.
So for all of those worshippers and followers that continue to hide behind their blinders while vigorously defending the Racist in Chief. I hope you are taking enough time to develop your own defenses when history reminds us of all the shitty people that help turn this country into the United Shithole of America.
I read the absolute most horrible blog article of the year this week, a piece written by a male named Damon Young, titled Straight Black Men Are the White People of Black People. It took me a couple of days to actually read the article, because the title is so disrespectful. In fact, it’s more than disrespectful. It is irresponsible.
To attempt to make a snarky comparison between the acute and despicable damage that the white race has inflicted, not just on Blacks in America, but on all peoples of color across the world, to even try and somehow equate this with the complex relationship between Black Men and Black Women is completely irresponsible. Completely Irresponsible. Either this Damon Young doesn’t know the history of White people, or he doesn’t know the history of Black people, or maybe he doesn’t care either way.
These new generation bloggers value cuteness over substance, and because the weaponization of tolerance in this country has decimated the ability to check anyone on their ways and actions, clowns like Damon Young get to write unmitigated bullshit without having to answer for it.
These new generation bloggers value cuteness over substance.
Our Brothers and our Sisters are damaged by a litany of issues, some self-inflicted, and others systemic.
Black men are the White men of absolutely nothing.
Instead of serving as a basic buffoon, ready and eager to use a broad stroke to point out issues in such a polarizing manner, issues that in truth can only be repaired as a whole, together, and not by taking sides, you should be using your vehicle to build bridges, and not to throw a certain group under the bus. That connection you guys have made with The Root recently has you acting like them now, politely backslapping Black men whenever you see an angle to do so. Maybe that’s what your check writers want from you, I wouldn’t know. However, your article serves as a perfect example of why dudes like GFK and KRS-One used to look for Hip Hop journalists in these streets to offer corrective advice to when they felt it was needed. You have a responsibility as someone who has a voice to use that voice in a responsible manner. Calling out Black Men as being the White people of Black people is irresponsible, not to mention dangerous to whatever gains we’ve made with regards to our complex and layered relationship with Black Women.
By using your article to reinforce stereotypes in such a blanketed fashion, you’ve done more harm than good. So, hold that Damon. And, be prepared to stand firm on your ideals when confronted.
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