Welcome to the N.C Double Haze’s Sweet Cheeba 16!
It’s another glorious 4/20 and the weather’s perfect for a pot smoke-off. I’m your host, Bent Must-Burger alongside Spark Kellog (Frosted Flakes after I spark the blunt). It’s been a grueling tournament this year and we’ve seen several early round upsets. No one expected Both Presidents Bill Clinton and Barack Obama to have been eliminated so early.
It was also shocking to witness Rhianna single-handedly eliminate the entire NFL, NBA, and leave Matthew McConaughey dazed and confused (high Rhianna). Once she came up against Bob Marley in the Caribbean Conference, however, it was a forgone conclusion she wouldn’t make it out awake. Maybe next year Rhi Rhi (bye Rhianna).
Judging was based on three criteria; Advocacy, Usage and Over-usage.
Let’s review the contestants and how we arrived at the main event; Willie Nelson vs. Bob “Iron Lion” Marley!
a.k.a On The Roach Again
Maybe the oldest living pot smoker in the contest, Willie has gone to battle on several occasions advocating for the legalization of marijuana and even has plans to launch his own brand of weed along with dispensaries.
Hailing from Texas, USA, Willie is High-ly favored in this contest and has taken home the Golden Bong several years prior. Willie has worked his way through this competitive field and is currently matched up against Bob Marley for the championship.
a.k.a The Iron Lion
Although ranked #2 worldwide, the honorable Robert Nester Marley may be the original pop icon for cannabis.
Hailing from Kingston Jamaica, the legendary musician and social activist is also world renowned for burning it down, and whose namesake is 100% synonymous with weed. If there were ever a Mount Smokemore, Bob Marley would certainly be the first image captured in granite. I feel sorry for whoever has to chisel all those dreads into stone though.
a.k.a “The Iron Lung”
Method Man has been a longtime cheeba ambassador for decades. 1/9th of the Legendary Wu Tang Clan, the Ticallian Stallion, with movies like How High and multiple references as well as exploits with his pot partner in crime Redman is certainly nothing to f*ck with! Johnny Blaze has made it to the finals several times but was dealt a fatal blow against Hurricane Willie this year in the semi finals.
Reggie Noble’s namesake is a testament to his sworn dedication to burning it down. Hailing from Brick City, New Jeruz, a.k.a New Jersey, and with stoner rite of passage films like How High and songs like “How to Roll a Blunt,” Redman has certainly earned his reputation among the greats and is a formidable opponent to be reckoned with. I have never seen Redman not high, and if you think you have, it’s probably because you were stoned off your ass. Red, unfortunately, had the misfortune of going against Snoop D-O-Double-G this year which brought about a tough and early exit for the Funk Dr. Spock. We’re certain Red will recover from this and be back again next year… or in a few hours depending on how long he naps.
a.k.a. Hempty Hemp
Originally from Texas, USA, Woody is the consummate stoner and has been a staunch advocate for the legalization of marijuana and hemp. Woody has served a hard 20 minutes in jail for his advocacy and has been on a song with Ziggy Marley which makes him a 4 star general through contact high with Marley DNA. Woody made short work of the Zen Master in this years competition. This natural born smoker, however, was no match for Uncle Snoop and was ousted shortly thereafter.
a.k.a Sir Smokea Lot
You know what’s funnier than Dave Chapelle? Dave Chapelle on weed! The star of the consummate Gen X required cheeba cinema Half Baked and The Chapelle Show has clearly acknowledged his penchant for pot. He breezed through the opening rounds but was forced to withdraw during his match-up against Method Man as a result of injury. Dave suffers from a rare disease that causes THC build up around the spinal column. This ailment required emergency backiotomy surgery which cost 50 million dollars and can only be performed in South Africa. Feel better Dave!
a.k.a. Doctor Haze
Super Producer of classics like The Chronic and The Chronic 2001, The good doctor has provided the soundtrack for many a smoke session worldwide. From the introduction of Snoop Dogg, to commonly used phrases like the aforementioned chronic, and anthems like Kush, Dre has certainly done his part to further the agenda.
Although controversy has emerged that the good doctor may never have smoked, we find it hard to believe that anyone who worked with Snoop Dogg on a daily basis can legally claim they’ve never smoked. The good doctor was dealt a speedy exit by the Golden Child Wiz Khalifa. Dre has since constructed a billion dollar training facility and has vowed that next year Wiz will be beat by Dre.
a.k.a. The Golden Child
The recent emergence of Wiz Khalifa has certainly had O.Gs standing up and taking notice. So much so that Uncle Snoop basically adopted Wiz as his lost long son and collaborated on an album (High School) and multiple songs as well. With album titles like Rolling Papers and consistent mentions of usage, Wiz is the marijuana equivalent of Lebron James and has the talent to one day be one of the greatest of all time. This year however, experience beat youth and Meth took Wiz out with the never before seen “Reverse Roach.” A legendary smoking technique that just has to be seen to be believed. Don’t feel bad Wiz, this is a Shaolin master after all. See ya next year.
a.k.a Uncle Snoop
Hailing from Long Beach California, Snoop is a living brand ambassador for cannabis worldwide. Snoop smokes enough for 2 Snoops. It is rumored that Snoop is made of 20 percent marijuana, making him the first living joint in human history. After eliminating Redman and Woody Harrelson, Snoop came up against the “Bob Father.” Unfortunately, Snoop Lion was no match for Iron Lion and was defeated in a world record breaking 72 hour nonstop bong hit.
a.k.a Mad Maher the Weed Warrior
Forever the consummate advocate, Real time with Bill Maher host Bill Maher has certainly made his feelings well known for Mary Jane. As much as Bill advocates and smokes the ‘dro, however, it is tough to imagine him making it past Tommy “Big Bong” Chong. Advantage Chong.
a.k.a The Eye of the Jew
Seems like every movie Seth has ever been in has involved some sort of pot smokage from Pineapple Express to This Is The End. Seth never misses an opportunity to put somethin’ in the air, but he didn’t stand a chance against Cheech Marin and EMT were required to revive him after their match up. In fact, it was almost the end for the actor/writer/comedian. Seth is currently on a steady diet of Skittles and crab rangoons and is expected to make a speedy recovery.
One half of legendary stoner duo Cheech and Chong, Cheech Marin will certainly be a major problem in this competition. Born in East L.A and with multiple films dedicated to toking up, Cheech withstood a valiant effort from Seth Rogen to advance but would eventually and literally get smoked by Willie Nelson in a freak accident in the next round. R.I.P Cheech.
a.k.a Semper High
Former Marine, television talk show host and pitchman, Montel Williams has taken his advocacy for marijuana legalization all the way to Congress, primarily for the the health benefits as a result of his Multiple Sclerosis. Although under suspicion for juicing with the Nutri-Bullet, Montel would prove no match for Bob Marley this year. He was ousted and in currently under investigation for financing Cheetos purchases with Payday Loans at 420% interest.
Tommy “Big Bong” Chong
The second half of legendary stoner duo Cheech and Chong, Tommy Chong is one of the original bad boys of bud. This cannabis consuming Canadian was convicted on one count of conspiracy and co-celebrity cellmate with the Wolf of Wall street (“C” what I did there?)
Chong made mincemeat of Maher but Marley manhandled him mercilessly to put an end to any more movement (or alliterations).
Who knew this 22 time Olympic medalist was also a fan of the of the chronic (and we don’t mean Dr. Dre’s album).
With the lung capacity of a beluga whale and images of bong usage surfacing online, it’s amazing that any normal human would stand a fair chance against this tour de force. Unfortunately for Phelps, he wasn’t going up against a normal human this year. Mike went up against the doobie deity that is Willie Nelson, hence his early exit from the competition. Better luck next year. Now back to practice. “Stroke…Stroke…Smoke…Smoke…Smoke…”
After admission of pot usage during his years as an NBA player, and rumors of Dr. Phil Good getting it in with Dr. Jerry Buss during his time as the coach of the Lakers, it’s no surprise Phil made it to the Sweet 16. Anyone that has had to deal with the egos of Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant and most recently being the GM of the Knicks, clearly requires the stickiest of icky to manage his sanity. We’re almost certain his intake has gone up this year dealing with the biggest ego in sports (Knicks owner, Jim Dolan). Unfortunately for Phil, Woody Harrelson would take no mercy on the elderly and he dispatched Phil in the the opening round – proving once again that although everyone loves Uncle Phil, it’s hard to beat a Woody.
So here we are! Down to the last two. One shining moment! Bob vs. Willie. We know who we think should win, but we want your opinion so let us know!
See you next year!! Afro Man, take us out!
Just a Long-Ass Thought About Spirituality, Forgiveness, and Black America
Walk with me on this Amber Guyger and Botham Jean family story…
We all see life as the longest thing that we will ever do… so we should get the most out of it and we should damn sure not settle for suffering while we’re here. I agree. Do not settle for suffering. But try as we might, we will all suffer at some point. Pain is inevitable. Such is life. The only difference between people of faith, and people who are just grinding, is perspective. If you’re a Christian, like the huggy brother, you believe in your soul being eternal. Whatever hardships we face in life, no matter how unfathomably difficult or negative, you believe that if you live righteously -and that means not living in revenge and resentment — your soul will live eternally in paradise. People can’t comprehend that. Life is the longest thing we’ll ever do, but if you have real faith, (not that every Sunday faith) life is short compared to eternity.
Now some of your eyes just glazed over when you read that last part and you made the face. It sounds silly and Pollyannaish when you look at the history of America. Black folks have been killed, massacred and overlooked everyday since we got here and it continues to happen. Forgiveness sounds helpless. It sounds foolish. How can you be weak enough to be forgiving of those who hurt you -especially when it’s is systemic and woven into everyday life? And there’s the part about the same people that enslaved us introducing us to a God that will save us? How do those things go together?
Perfectly reasonable questions. If you don’t believe in God or Jesus or an afterlife then forgiveness sounds like bullshit. Hard to believe in what you can’t see, especially when you CAN see oppression everyday. I get it. I truly do.
Some of my closest friends mute me on here because I’m always on political shit. 🤣 I share a lot of it. I am frustrated by inequality and oppression and I fight it in my own life in every way that I can -with my wallet and my time and my purchasing. I speak out on it in uncomfortable personal conversations with friends or acquaintances when I feel people are bullshitting or are blind to -isms. I hate inequality and I don’t avoid it. I wade into it and stress myself out everyday. I’m not for punting on life and settling for what happens after we die. That’s weak. Fight for your joy and your prosperity. Period.
Forgiveness isn’t my mantra here. It’s just part of the story because the story isn’t one dimensional.
None of us are just one thing or one way. Just for a moment stop and try to release your bias against the idea of forgiveness and ponder this blip in time that we call life, versus the reality of eternity. Physics says energy doesn’t stop, it just changes. Think of your life and your soul scientifically. When we die our energy and essence does *something.* Why can’t that something be what people of faith believe? If the Jean family truly has that kind of faith many people will mock it beacause most can’t comprehend it. But if you really have faith and can imagine the notion of eternity then you get it. Meditate on that. You know that that young man getting murdered in his own apartment was horrific and unforgivable and the trial was a signifier of white power vis-a-vis black bodies in America and that’s why the verdict meant so much to us. She was found guilty. And not just of manslaughter or negligence. But murder. That meant something.
However, the sentence was light. That meant something too. But the family’s forgiveness means something too.
Don’t @ me. @ your therapist.
The unfortunate part is that that image of the hugs and the tears is what will be tied to the administration of justice here. Was it necessary for the family? Absolutely. Was it good for America when we so rarely see justice in the killing of black people at the hands of white cops. Hell no! The image that we should have walked away with from that trial was her walking away in shackles. We don’t want to see oppressors feel comforted when it should be our moment to feel some measure of justice. But would an image of the family celebrating have nourished us yesterday? That wasn’t the answer either. I hate that the image of that killer cop being comforted after she murdered a black man in his own home was what represented the story in the news. The angry me gets it and I was pissed yesterday. But so does the person inside who believes that there is an unbelievable strength to that kind of faith and a reason for our resilence in this country is the strength of our collective souls.
But what do I know?
WILL THE NEXT BE THE LAST?
Mass shootings in America was the first line I began to write on Sunday November 18th. Before I was able to complete additional research on the subject, Monday November 19th arrived and two more mass shootings occurred. That time a hospital in Chicago and the streets of downtown Denver got their turns in the game of American roulette.
Thoughts and prayers aren’t saving lives
Now on Monday August 5th 2019, we’re in the midst of recovering from three more mass shootings in the span of one week. One in Gilroy, CA that is suspected to be racially motivated. Another in Dayton, Ohio whose motives are still under investigation, and lastly in El Paso, Texas which was definitively motivated by white supremacist views. In total, over 30 innocent people were killed in these terrorist attacks on American soil by young White male American citizens within a matter of days.
Like it or not, we’re all playing this deadly game of chance whenever we decide to go shopping, catch a movie, show up for work, attend a concert, worship at church… I think you get the point. The bottom line is the leaders of this country have made it abundantly clear that they aren’t willing or capable of protecting us. The public safety of all of our citizens is not the primary concern of too many of our public officials. Their priority is re-election and the spoils (money) attached to it.
Thoughts and prayers aren’t saving lives. The time has come to expand our thought process to increase our odds of survival. Below are two possible solutions that we can enact to force changes expeditiously.
- Boycotts of areas of mass gatherings could significantly effect the economy which in turn would motivate the Government to act.
- Minorities under attack need to significantly increase their own arsenals which would motivate the Government to act.
Either of the two aforementioned solutions tend to be more alarming than the reality of white supremacist terrorism and the possibility of an economic downturn. The sooner we collectively stop waiting for change and force it through bold action, the more innocent lives will be saved.
Why You’re Racist and Don’t Even Know It
All of the people reading this currently were at some point, mindless, dribbling idiots who didn’t know their asses from their elbows. Some of you may disagree. Now if I said everyone reading this was at some point, a baby, no one would argue that point (except for those who believe their children were self-sufficient Einsteins right out of the womb). Behold! The power of labels! It’s easy to accept or disavow labels simply because of the generally perceived connotations they evoke, especially when that perception is negative. But if you study the parameters that define those labels and compare them to your own behaviors, can you rationally dispute that you are what they said you were? With that said and before you continue to espouse that you are all rainbow hugging flower children who loves everyone equally, have you ever truly defined what being racist is before you professed you weren’t?
- prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against a person or people on the basis of their membership in a particular racial or ethnic group, typically one that is a minority or marginalized.
Based on the contextual definition of racism, I don’t even understand why there’s a contextual definition of racism. The definition may as well just say “Human” because quite frankly, I haven’t met one person who hasn’t discriminated or been prejudiced based on race. Just look at your spouse, friends, living environments, etc.. We have all knowingly (sadly) and unknowingly (best case scenario), made these types of decisions. Now does making decisions based on race make you a bad person? YES!!! It absolutely does!! And the only way you can be a good person is if you first accept that you are racist, then remain aware of that so it doesn’t affect your future decision making. Once you acknowledge that you have a preference, it becomes easier to entertain the ideal of equality and not succumb to personal preference.
Some people would agree that racism has benefited far too few in America and disenfranchised far too many. I am one of those people. The oddity of that is some unknowingly suggest racism as a solution to… racism. Can you truly level the playing field without being temporarily racist however? Can you justly deny anyone opportunities in 2019 to atone for denying a different race of people opportunities 200 years ago? As an example (and I’m sure an unpopular one), is it really fair to deny any Caucasian any opportunity in the name of correction when A) that specific Caucasian did not cause the issue and B) What the hell does “equal” mean in the first place? Physics clearly state that 2 objects can’t occupy the same space at the same time. So if there is only space for one thing at one TIME (extreme emphasis on TIME), can the concept of equality even exists if we have to remove one for the other to catch up? If you practice deliberate discrimination in the name of aggregate equality, contextually speaking, how are you not a racist?
We were all raised by someone with less refined social ideas of and experiences with other races. This means our baselines for interactions with other races were predefined by those who were also unknowingly racist. It’s OK. It’s not your fault or theirs. You didn’t choose the world you were born into and neither did they. You do have a say in the world you leave behind however. If you don’t acknowledge that you do have a say, you probably won’t say anything and leave the next generation to repeating the same hate speech.
We can never get to a point of resolution if we haven’t accepted and can’t publicly admit that we are ALL susceptible to stereotypes and prejudiced. Seeing as how no one except for the KKK is admittedly racist, yet racism is still prevalent, I don’t believe anyone should be excluding their personal behaviors and choices from racial evaluation.
Sidebar; For those who say African Americans can’t be racist because we are the marginalized population, even the contextual definition states “typically” but not solely. So sorry to burst your reverse racist bubbles but although you may not be as savage, you may be just as prejudiced as those who weren’t marginalized. Sidebar Complete.
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