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Men Do Dumb Sh*t
If you walked into a pizzeria and asked for a hamburger, the workers would look at you like you weren’t wrapped too tight. After all, most pizzerias don’t sell hamburgers. They sell slices of pizza and pizza-related goods.
Now what if you walked in everyday and asked for a hamburger? What if all your friends did it too? At some point, your ridiculous request would become commonplace and although you may even convince management to make a pizza burger, it still wouldn’t be a hamburger. With that said, why do men constantly complain about women’s personalities when it wasn’t why we approached these women in the first place?
Ever since I became a member of the dating community (I believe I was 2 months old), I’ve had to listen to all sorts of stories from men on how women are emotional and women are illogical and tons of other anecdotes that basically ended in “b*tches be crazy!” The one constant in all these tales of feminine mental ills, however, was how these relationships began in the first place; A horny boy or man decided to approach or entertain a girl or woman mainly because of her aesthetic. Whether it was the pretty face or the great boobs or the near perfect posterior, the initial attraction was most often and most certainly not based on personality. Of course men want an awesome personality but there is a “natural” order of selection in dating practices that must occur in specific succession or run the risk of not occurring at all. After years of research, I’ve painstakingly mapped out the human male courting thought algorithm in its most visceral form;
When you also factor in waist-to-hip ratio (WHR) which is the ratio of the circumference of the female waist to that of the hips or W/H, and relative and subjective views of what is considered attractive or “hot,” the formula for finding an ideal partner becomes more complex;
A man’s brain can compute this complex algorithm almost 500 times per minute depending on the population density of women.
The results of our imaginary study concluded that although there is room for deviation, men are more inclined to sacrifice their happiness for vanity, a.k.a a hot chick. One of course has to adjust for climate, region and alcohol consumption, but this theory remains fundamentally sound, particularly in western civilizations.
Here’s the thing; this theory of “natural” selection hasn’t worked since the dawn of civilization yet it remains a practice by men even today. Men still pick their mate according to physical attraction and although there are multiple valid reasons why it’s probably better to choose according to compatibility and not looks, they are often ignored.
So why all the complaints from men about personality if that was not what you went looking for? Why moan and groan about your pizza crust not having sesame seeds? Why complain about the lack of ground beef on your Sicilian? You may want to admit at some point that as beautiful as the pizza is, maybe it’s time to go after what you want and not what looks good, or at the very least, shut the hell up about what you have because you’re the one who chose it.
Sidebar: Our studies were founded on the teachings of the gentleman below who we still believe should receive several Nobel prizes for math, science and peace for his brilliant deductions. Sidebar Complete.
Almost every year for the past 6 years and on the same day, I’ve posted the same pic of me in the hospital during my temporary and untimely demise in 2015. A few weeks after I was back to “normal”, I asked Eric “Why’d you take the pics?” And he said, “I knew you would want to write about it if you lived.” Eric was right. Eric was often right and Eric always had my best interest at heart. I am going to miss my friend.
You ever meet someone and become friends immediately?! Well this was not the case with Eric. Before he was my manager at Morgan Stanley, I would often see this 6’4″, giant white guy walk up to the only black woman at work, say something then walk away without any hint of human emotion. Naturally I thought he was a jerk until I asked her “Yo, is that dude bothering you?” She laughed and proceeded to tell me he was a great person, which I ultimately got to experience first hand. Little did I know this Italian from Staten Island was more Brooklyn than most Brooklynites.
Eric was not with the shits!! If there were ever someone who lived their life in direct, honest and no uncertain terms, that would be Eric. He would ask me questions at work like “Why are the other consultants making more money than you?” I knew the answer to that question and so did he. Eric then proceeded to increase my salary by 15K. After arguing with all our managers that “You need to hire Alfred!”, they eventually did 1 year prior to the 2015 incident. In the hospital, one of my friends asked me, “What if you didn’t have health insurance when this happened?” I would be in debt for the rest of my life is the obvious answer. I still am in debt for the rest of my life but at least, it is to those who made sure I had a more enjoyable life and for that, I will gladly repay.
My mom loved to tell me the story of how she met Eric. After they told her I was going to be in the ICU for some time, she told the doctor “Well I’m not going anywhere.” She then hears a voice from that back of the room that says “Well I’m not going anywhere either!” That was Eric and in true form, he was at that hospital every single day until I was discharged.
Eric passed away in December 2021 of stage 4 cancer. After feeling faint on his way to my bbq, he went to get checked out and was diagnosed. During the past 5 years, Eric lost his mom, twin brother and dad. I can’t even begin to imagine what that must have felt like but I’m glad that pain he was feeling is no more.
From being my manager to my business partner, writer, book editor, artistic director, and most importantly, my friend, I am going to miss you MC Krispy E a.k.a “Enrique Pollazo!” And although you told me Enrique means Henry in Spanish and not Eric, it was too late!
Sidebar. The day I was discharged, while everyone was deciding what was best for me, no one had remembered that I would need clothes in order to leave the hospital. Eric shows up (unasked) with all the clothes I had on the day I coded, laundered and ready to go. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve friends like this but i need to keep doing it! Sidebar complete.
Rest in Peace Eric. “Be Good.”
I had the distinct pleasure of participating in a panel discussion on writing your first book, presented by the Harlem chapter of Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity Inc. Alongside Jim St. Germain, Author – A Stone of Hope: A Memoir and Dr. Keneshia Nicole Grant, Author – The Great Migration and the Democratic Party: Black Voters and the Realignment of American Politics in the 20th Century. We opined on pain points, benefits and strategies regarding our inaugural voyages into authorship. Feel free to watch for your self and I hope this provides some insight to all those looking to make the same voyage. Enjoy!
