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Sex: You’re Not That Good At It
“Yo Son! I just blew shorty’s back out. I’m telling you, she won’t be able to walk for like a week! I tore it up! I wrecked that! I slayed it! She said it was the biggest one she ever had!”
Have you ever met this guy? Are you this guy? Although the metaphors sound more like 3rd degree assaults worthy of arrest (“I hit it, I stabbed it, I dug it out, etc…”) they are common descriptors when men speak of our sexual conquests. When we regale other males with tales of tail, it is 99.9% complimentary and never unflattering. It’s amazing that very few of my friends have ever come to me and said, “She was thoroughly disappointed in my sexual existence” or “ Wow! I am really terrible at sex and I think I’m gonna stop!”
This can only mean one of 2 things;
- All men are awesome at sex
- All men sprinkle a little pixie dust on the retellings of their exploits
I’m gonna go with option 2, if it’s all the same to you. The Fabricated Unchecked Council of Sexual Statistics (FUCSS) states that the amount of men who are terrible in bed often goes under reported.
“Girl, he can’t get enough of this kitty cat. That fool went right to sleep afterward. He got knocked the f*ck out! He said it was the best he ever had!”
Ladies, have you ever met this woman? Are you this woman? So enamored with the power of your own poontang that you believe the world is your oyster based on your clam? It would be reasonable to base your confidence on men’s reactions but you see, the male reaction is fickle and fleeting.
I hate to break the news to you but us men also fall asleep after Thanksgiving dinner so you may not want to equate your proficiency to that of a well basted turkey. Also, men can be lazy and will put our willy in just about any wonka so once again, the attention you are receiving may not be attributed to your punany’s prowess. It is reported that men on average do not alert women if they are terrible in bed. This data is provided by the Statistical Ethics Council of Sexin’ (SECS)
Sex is one of those gratifying but selfless acts in which you get out what you put in (no pun intended) so if every time you put it in she asks you to get out, it may be time to ask and experiment instead of poke and pontificate.
The moral of the story is if you really want to be good in bed, get to know your partner intimately.
10 Signs You Suck At Sex
- She has so many “headaches” that unlike Arnold, it may be a tumor.
- He would rather talk about his emotions and the future of the relationship
- She does not call you the day after coitus just to say “hi”
- She fakes her orgasm before you take you clothes off
- She fakes her orgasm after you take you clothes off
- He doesn’t want a follow up appointment after the first experience
- You’re selfish
- He doesn’t want to have sex with you and you’re attractive
- He fakes his orgasm (you must really be terrible when a man fakes it)
- He just realized he’s gay but only with you
Almost every year for the past 6 years and on the same day, I’ve posted the same pic of me in the hospital during my temporary and untimely demise in 2015. A few weeks after I was back to “normal”, I asked Eric “Why’d you take the pics?” And he said, “I knew you would want to write about it if you lived.” Eric was right. Eric was often right and Eric always had my best interest at heart. I am going to miss my friend.
You ever meet someone and become friends immediately?! Well this was not the case with Eric. Before he was my manager at Morgan Stanley, I would often see this 6’4″, giant white guy walk up to the only black woman at work, say something then walk away without any hint of human emotion. Naturally I thought he was a jerk until I asked her “Yo, is that dude bothering you?” She laughed and proceeded to tell me he was a great person, which I ultimately got to experience first hand. Little did I know this Italian from Staten Island was more Brooklyn than most Brooklynites.
Eric was not with the shits!! If there were ever someone who lived their life in direct, honest and no uncertain terms, that would be Eric. He would ask me questions at work like “Why are the other consultants making more money than you?” I knew the answer to that question and so did he. Eric then proceeded to increase my salary by 15K. After arguing with all our managers that “You need to hire Alfred!”, they eventually did 1 year prior to the 2015 incident. In the hospital, one of my friends asked me, “What if you didn’t have health insurance when this happened?” I would be in debt for the rest of my life is the obvious answer. I still am in debt for the rest of my life but at least, it is to those who made sure I had a more enjoyable life and for that, I will gladly repay.
My mom loved to tell me the story of how she met Eric. After they told her I was going to be in the ICU for some time, she told the doctor “Well I’m not going anywhere.” She then hears a voice from that back of the room that says “Well I’m not going anywhere either!” That was Eric and in true form, he was at that hospital every single day until I was discharged.
Eric passed away in December 2021 of stage 4 cancer. After feeling faint on his way to my bbq, he went to get checked out and was diagnosed. During the past 5 years, Eric lost his mom, twin brother and dad. I can’t even begin to imagine what that must have felt like but I’m glad that pain he was feeling is no more.
From being my manager to my business partner, writer, book editor, artistic director, and most importantly, my friend, I am going to miss you MC Krispy E a.k.a “Enrique Pollazo!” And although you told me Enrique means Henry in Spanish and not Eric, it was too late!
Sidebar. The day I was discharged, while everyone was deciding what was best for me, no one had remembered that I would need clothes in order to leave the hospital. Eric shows up (unasked) with all the clothes I had on the day I coded, laundered and ready to go. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve friends like this but i need to keep doing it! Sidebar complete.
Rest in Peace Eric. “Be Good.”
I had the distinct pleasure of participating in a panel discussion on writing your first book, presented by the Harlem chapter of Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity Inc. Alongside Jim St. Germain, Author – A Stone of Hope: A Memoir and Dr. Keneshia Nicole Grant, Author – The Great Migration and the Democratic Party: Black Voters and the Realignment of American Politics in the 20th Century. We opined on pain points, benefits and strategies regarding our inaugural voyages into authorship. Feel free to watch for your self and I hope this provides some insight to all those looking to make the same voyage. Enjoy!
