The news broke like a Bristol Palin chastity vow. More accurately, I read a post on Facebook while on the crapper at work. Gay marriage was legalized in all 50 states. A chill ran up my spine in anticipation of the horrors that surely awaited.
Mike Huckabee, republican pundits, and Fox News had warned us repeatedly of the dangers involved in letting this happen. The Supreme Court decided to throw caution to the wind, ignore the frantic pleas of the self-righteous, and rule in favor of equality. This meant my marriage, family, and kids were soon to be under attack by a rainbow garnished army hell bent on forcing all manners of atrocities on our nation. I sprang into action determined to not succumb to the scourge of a new group of consenting adults being able to (gasp) happily pursue a life together.
10:00 am– I called my wife. I had to know if we were still married. My ring hadn’t vanished but I couldn’t be sure if the gay marriage bomb didn’t destroy my marriage. Was I back on the market? Were there papers to sign? Who gets the TV? No answer. She was probably dating already. Maybe she was busy creating a Tinder profile. I peered out the window and didn’t see a Walking Dead type mob of gays ferociously feasting on the nuptials of unsuspecting straight couples, but maybe the infection hadn’t spread to my town yet. I decided to send a text with a simple question – are we still married, reply “yes” or “no”.
12:00 pm– It was my lunch break so I decided to run home and check on the dog. I’ve repeatedly heard that if they let gays marry, then bestiality is on the table. Not on my watch. I burst into my house only to find my dog enthusiastically licking his junk. Definitely not the actions of a spoken for beast. Good boy.
1:00 pm– Back at work. None of my male coworkers seemed worried or interested in having gay sex with me. They were pretty much just working as normal. Perhaps it was a trick to get me to drop my guard and allow the gay to seep into my pores without me knowing. Either way, for a world that no longer had morals, these guys were pretty lame.
4:00 pm– Finished my shift unmolested. Maybe I’m just not their type. I jumped in my car and headed to the daycare center to pick up my 5-year-old daughter. Panic set in when I realized that, according to “experts”, my daughter could very well be in danger of a heavy breathing cluster of suitors. It’s been said that legalizing gay marriage means pedophiles will want the right to marry their victims. To my relief, I arrived to find her playing on a swing set with other children. They all seemed completely unaware of the danger they were in. They were more concerned with laughing at a kid that ripped a man-sized fart than they were of any actual men. Relief filled my body and I scooped her up and headed home to bunker down.
4:35 pm– Briefly considered taking advantage of the multiple wives side effect of gay marriage that was now surely acceptable.
4:37 pm– Abandoned previous thought when I realized I have but one bathroom and shower, which I have little access to with just one wife and two daughters.
4:38 pm– Heard a blaring horn. I thought it had to be the biblically fabled trumpet that signaled the end times Pat Robertson predicted to be the outcome of gay marriage. Turns out it was just the car in the lane next to me. It seems I had drifted too close to him while contemplating multiple wives.
5:00 pm– Arrived home to find my wife’s car in the driveway, presumably waiting to be loaded with her belongings she was taking with her in the wake of our newly null and void marriage.
5:05 pm– Found wife my wife inside the house. She promptly asked me WTF my text meant. She seemed both completely unaware and unaffected by the legalization of gay marriage. In fact, everything seemed exactly the way it was. Despite gay marriage being legal, nothing was different at all. I was still married, my kids and animals were fine, and there were no 4 horsemen on the horizon ringing in the apocalypse.
5:06 pm– Breathed a huge sigh of relief and left to go get the milk I forgot to pick up on the way home. I also picked up dinner and planned to eat it while watching some episodes of Modern Family I had DVR’d. I couldn’t help but feel really sad for all the anti-equality people who live every day with the fear I experienced over the last few hours. Seems like a pretty shitty way to live.
10:00 pm– Went to bed comforted by the thought that the world was pretty much the same as when the day started. Well actually, maybe a little bit better.