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Your Hood Pass Has Been Approved!
Welcome to the Hood Pass Application Office and thank you for your application! With over 400 years of dedicated service to the Black and Caucasian communities alike, the HPAO has issued almost 11 hood passes throughout our existence! Some believe this to be a low number but given the lack of trust and the country’s history of race relations, we think it’s extremely generous we’ve let so many non blacks infiltrat…I mean join. Sorry, still working through those trust issues.
We here at the HPAO receive thousands of applications daily and require all potential candidates meet certain criteria before membership is considered. In order to receive a Hood Pass, you must meet the requirements below;
- Be at least half white
- Be 100% alright
- Identify with the plight
As you are aware, if your application is approved, you will be granted access to all urban dwellings, domiciles and liquor stores without fear of physical or verbal repercussion. Your hood pass also permits the following;
- Safe passage through any Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd in America
- Yelling recklessly at your favorite basketball or football player on the television or at games
- Unlimited purchases at all weed spots (look for the corner store with empty shelves but tons of customers)
- Free refills of homemade iced tea from the Chinese restaurant with any purchase of chicken wings
- Unlimited explanations of hood slang (“Is that pronounced… on fleek?”)
- Interracial dating without scrutiny
- Bodega / corner store credit up to $24.90 or the current market value of 2 packs of Newports
Please be advised: YOUR HOOD PASS DOES NOT PERMIT THE USAGE OF THE N WORD!!
If your application is approved, your pass will be issued by a sponsor member in good standing. Please see below for current members and grounds for acceptance.
At a point in time, every rapper seemed to either aspire to be Scarface or were inspired by Scarface. The struggle, the ambition, the success. With the exception of his murderous demise, Scarface’s image and likeness hung on hood walls similar to the Pope in devout Catholics cribs.
The Al Pacino portrayed Cuban refugee did more for drug sales than Pfizer and Bristol Meyers combined.
From the very beginning, Rick Rubin has held the hood down with, of all things, rock and roll samples!
Classic hip hop samples based on classic rock records had the hood hoppin’ for decades on countless Def Jam albums. From Run DMC to Jay-Z, the homies have always had 99 problems but Rick always made sure a dope beat wasn’t one.
Fried Chicken!! Mm Mmmm!
Who knew rich old white guys had such an affinity for boyz in the hood? They normally only care when a jump shot is attached to those boys but given Arnold’s vertically challenged condition, Mr. D clearly had no ulterior motives.
Kudos Phillip for not caring about their different strokes and assuring it wouldn’t be a hard knock life in this modern day version of Annie (the role of Annie has been revised by Arnold).
Larry Legend (no relation to John) even has a cool ass nickname!
During the 80’s, Larry Bird was one of the most prominent and dominant basketball players in the NBA. Although he played for a non negro friendly town (Boston) and hailed from a non negro frequented place (Indiana), Larry managed to hang and bang with the boys from the block, earning him respect from all.
It was a tough decision to issue a hood pass to a former Mouseketeer but to know Justin is to love Justin. This innocuous fun lovin’ crooner (that’s cRoon) has endeared us all with his spirit and soulish vocal stylings. Also, any man that has touched Janet Jackson’s nipple is cool in my book.
If there’s one thing black people don’t have, it’s time for that! What is “that” you ask? “That” is the bullsh*t that comes with having to coexist with people who are full of it. Second only to maybe George Carlin, Jon Stewart seems to have dedicated his entire adult life to calling people out on their nonsense (particularly politicians). Rest assured, when “that” rears it’s shitty head, Jon Stewart will be there to have no time for it.
Pimpin’ ain’t easy but it clearly is fun. Running a whore house for the rich and famous for almost a half century, Hef has taken womanizing to unprecedented levels. With a steady stable of sultry succubuses, Hugh has had hundreds of moral mandates mangled by his hordes of honeys. All the while, doing it with a smile.
Marshall Mathers a.k.a Eminem grew up in Detroit Michigan in a broken home with no dad, a drug addict mom and hip hop as his only escape. It’s almost disrespectful to issue a hood pass to Eminem as he may be more hood than those who question his authenticity. Given his ability to make something from nothing, this hood pass was a first ballot issue by unanimous vote.
They call him Bubba a.k.a Slick Willy and pada pa pa pa… he’s lovin it! This slick talkin’, fast food feastin’, policy passin’ politician is considered the first black President and given his penchant for big butted brunettes and all stereotypes negro, we can easily understand how Bill got his hood pass.
Bobby D has provided enough machismo to fuel street fights for decades but with an elegance and brutality only the hood can appreciate. Dinero made us want to put on our most tailored suit, have our shoes polished to a tee, then stomp someone within an inch of their life. For serving up a plethora of ass kickings with brute force and grace, we applaud you good sir.
The Second Black President of the United States only had to work half as hard to earn his hood pass as he was already half in by birth right. Barry could’ve easily however gone the way of Carlton Banks but proved to be Soul Brother #1. For giving the Republican Party a heart attack by simply existing and helping the black man out simply by helping ALL AMERICANS, Barack was a no brainier.
If you believe you have made the necessary contributions, meet the specified requirements and would like to become a member, please wait patiently and do absolutely nothing. The irony of the Hood Pass Application Office is that there is no application to be remitted. We are an invite only organization and as such, we do not entertain submitted applications. Truth be told, we discourage gratuitous acts of “blackness” and find them to be highly offensive. For this reason, the following individuals have received a lifetime ban;
Thank you and remember, don’t call us, we’ll call you!
Almost every year for the past 6 years and on the same day, I’ve posted the same pic of me in the hospital during my temporary and untimely demise in 2015. A few weeks after I was back to “normal”, I asked Eric “Why’d you take the pics?” And he said, “I knew you would want to write about it if you lived.” Eric was right. Eric was often right and Eric always had my best interest at heart. I am going to miss my friend.
You ever meet someone and become friends immediately?! Well this was not the case with Eric. Before he was my manager at Morgan Stanley, I would often see this 6’4″, giant white guy walk up to the only black woman at work, say something then walk away without any hint of human emotion. Naturally I thought he was a jerk until I asked her “Yo, is that dude bothering you?” She laughed and proceeded to tell me he was a great person, which I ultimately got to experience first hand. Little did I know this Italian from Staten Island was more Brooklyn than most Brooklynites.
Eric was not with the shits!! If there were ever someone who lived their life in direct, honest and no uncertain terms, that would be Eric. He would ask me questions at work like “Why are the other consultants making more money than you?” I knew the answer to that question and so did he. Eric then proceeded to increase my salary by 15K. After arguing with all our managers that “You need to hire Alfred!”, they eventually did 1 year prior to the 2015 incident. In the hospital, one of my friends asked me, “What if you didn’t have health insurance when this happened?” I would be in debt for the rest of my life is the obvious answer. I still am in debt for the rest of my life but at least, it is to those who made sure I had a more enjoyable life and for that, I will gladly repay.
My mom loved to tell me the story of how she met Eric. After they told her I was going to be in the ICU for some time, she told the doctor “Well I’m not going anywhere.” She then hears a voice from that back of the room that says “Well I’m not going anywhere either!” That was Eric and in true form, he was at that hospital every single day until I was discharged.
Eric passed away in December 2021 of stage 4 cancer. After feeling faint on his way to my bbq, he went to get checked out and was diagnosed. During the past 5 years, Eric lost his mom, twin brother and dad. I can’t even begin to imagine what that must have felt like but I’m glad that pain he was feeling is no more.
From being my manager to my business partner, writer, book editor, artistic director, and most importantly, my friend, I am going to miss you MC Krispy E a.k.a “Enrique Pollazo!” And although you told me Enrique means Henry in Spanish and not Eric, it was too late!
Sidebar. The day I was discharged, while everyone was deciding what was best for me, no one had remembered that I would need clothes in order to leave the hospital. Eric shows up (unasked) with all the clothes I had on the day I coded, laundered and ready to go. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve friends like this but i need to keep doing it! Sidebar complete.
Rest in Peace Eric. “Be Good.”
I had the distinct pleasure of participating in a panel discussion on writing your first book, presented by the Harlem chapter of Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity Inc. Alongside Jim St. Germain, Author – A Stone of Hope: A Memoir and Dr. Keneshia Nicole Grant, Author – The Great Migration and the Democratic Party: Black Voters and the Realignment of American Politics in the 20th Century. We opined on pain points, benefits and strategies regarding our inaugural voyages into authorship. Feel free to watch for your self and I hope this provides some insight to all those looking to make the same voyage. Enjoy!
