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You Know How I Know You’re Gay?
I like vagina! Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, it seems that the “Fear Of A Gay Planet” has somewhat died down a bit, but only somewhat. There are still many who believe the Gay Agenda is alive and well a
nd on a crusade to transmogrify (Calvin and Hobbes reference) everything and everyone to gay. They’ve beamed down Ellen DeGeneres from Uranus and want us to drink from Frank’s Ocean so we can all be lead through the Gay-te way. Will these Gays stop at nothing!? They’ve taken Hollywood. They’ve taken our music. They’ve taken musical theater. They took the West Village and now they’re taking our Sports. What is we gon’ do now? It’s all f*cked up now!
You know how I know you’re gay? Because you used Frank Ocean as an entendre.
In 2015, I am still expected to choose my words carefully around men (especially black men) for the wrong slip of the tongue (pause) may have all my boys looking at me (no homo) and forcing me to utilize disclaimers like “pause” and “no homo” after every possible statement that has the slightest homosexual connotation. Needless to say, I won’t be ordering breakfast sausages with any of my friends within earshot. Never mind being a card-carrying member of the heterosexual community for almost 40 years. The mere mention of a hot dog in the wrong context may have straight guys wondering if I have queer eyes. This homophobia was silly 10 years ago and is even more foolish now.
You know how I know you’re gay? Because you like sausages in the morning.…Pause.
Here’s the funny thing; the manliest of activities have very, very non-masculine components to them. There is nothing macho about men in florescent tights running around with hands under nut sacks waiting for someone to toss them a ball and subsequently be gang tackled by a bunch of other men in tights. As if that weren’t enough, most professional athletes congratulate each other with ass slaps. WTF GARCIA!!?
There was nothing manly about a movie with greased up, shirtless men who took a long trip to the mountains a.k.a the Hot Gates to huddle together and die in each other’s arms but most of us loved the movie 300. As it relates to music, rappers are essentially poets and every time a hip hop fan raises his voice to argue about his favorite emcee, he’s basically arguing about his favorite poet. There is nothing manly about a bunch of jewelry laden, shirtless dudes running around bickering with each other about whose spoken word has more impact and who has more fans.
You know how I know your gay? Because you argue about your favorite poet on social media.
From the outrage over Michael Sam and Jason Collins infiltrating professional sports (although there were/are multiple unknown gay athletes in the sports world already) to rappers wearing tights, dresses and whatever else the hell it is they have on (not that’ there’s anything wrong with that), it seems the heteros are still a bit on edge about the rainbow regime. Let me help you all out here. You know when us straight men should truly be threatened by the gays? When they come for the vaginas. That’s when me and gay men will have serious problems. They will have to pry the vaginas from my cold dead hands (much to her discomfort.) Until then, we should probably just continue to enjoy 90 % of everything else geared toward our heterosexual livelihoods (like marriage and tax benefits and beer commercials and Telemundo and 90% of G.O.T and 90% of Cable television sans the Bravo Network, e.t.c…)
You know how I know you’re gay? Because you feel the need to constantly affirm how gay you’re not.
SideBar: If you found out Mike Tyson, Michael Jordan, Mohammed Ali, Notorious B.I.G, Denzel Washington and Optimus Prime were all gay, would you still be a fan? Sidebar complete.
Sidebar 2: Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Sidebar Complete.
Almost every year for the past 6 years and on the same day, I’ve posted the same pic of me in the hospital during my temporary and untimely demise in 2015. A few weeks after I was back to “normal”, I asked Eric “Why’d you take the pics?” And he said, “I knew you would want to write about it if you lived.” Eric was right. Eric was often right and Eric always had my best interest at heart. I am going to miss my friend.
You ever meet someone and become friends immediately?! Well this was not the case with Eric. Before he was my manager at Morgan Stanley, I would often see this 6’4″, giant white guy walk up to the only black woman at work, say something then walk away without any hint of human emotion. Naturally I thought he was a jerk until I asked her “Yo, is that dude bothering you?” She laughed and proceeded to tell me he was a great person, which I ultimately got to experience first hand. Little did I know this Italian from Staten Island was more Brooklyn than most Brooklynites.
Eric was not with the shits!! If there were ever someone who lived their life in direct, honest and no uncertain terms, that would be Eric. He would ask me questions at work like “Why are the other consultants making more money than you?” I knew the answer to that question and so did he. Eric then proceeded to increase my salary by 15K. After arguing with all our managers that “You need to hire Alfred!”, they eventually did 1 year prior to the 2015 incident. In the hospital, one of my friends asked me, “What if you didn’t have health insurance when this happened?” I would be in debt for the rest of my life is the obvious answer. I still am in debt for the rest of my life but at least, it is to those who made sure I had a more enjoyable life and for that, I will gladly repay.
My mom loved to tell me the story of how she met Eric. After they told her I was going to be in the ICU for some time, she told the doctor “Well I’m not going anywhere.” She then hears a voice from that back of the room that says “Well I’m not going anywhere either!” That was Eric and in true form, he was at that hospital every single day until I was discharged.
Eric passed away in December 2021 of stage 4 cancer. After feeling faint on his way to my bbq, he went to get checked out and was diagnosed. During the past 5 years, Eric lost his mom, twin brother and dad. I can’t even begin to imagine what that must have felt like but I’m glad that pain he was feeling is no more.
From being my manager to my business partner, writer, book editor, artistic director, and most importantly, my friend, I am going to miss you MC Krispy E a.k.a “Enrique Pollazo!” And although you told me Enrique means Henry in Spanish and not Eric, it was too late!
Sidebar. The day I was discharged, while everyone was deciding what was best for me, no one had remembered that I would need clothes in order to leave the hospital. Eric shows up (unasked) with all the clothes I had on the day I coded, laundered and ready to go. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve friends like this but i need to keep doing it! Sidebar complete.
Rest in Peace Eric. “Be Good.”
I had the distinct pleasure of participating in a panel discussion on writing your first book, presented by the Harlem chapter of Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity Inc. Alongside Jim St. Germain, Author – A Stone of Hope: A Memoir and Dr. Keneshia Nicole Grant, Author – The Great Migration and the Democratic Party: Black Voters and the Realignment of American Politics in the 20th Century. We opined on pain points, benefits and strategies regarding our inaugural voyages into authorship. Feel free to watch for your self and I hope this provides some insight to all those looking to make the same voyage. Enjoy!
