If you are Game of Thrones fan, you are probably in a deep depression right about now. It’s mid summer, the last season just ended, and there really is no reason to live until Season 7 is back on (in the summer of next year!!)
Ok, so maybe I’m being a bit dramatic. Plus if you hold on until September, there will be barbaric, bone breaking violence when Giants and Vikings are back on the screen (Are you ready for some football!!?) Since the real thing pales in comparison to the make-believe world of Westeros, I’ve decided to recap the 10 best moments from Game of Thrones Season 6. Enjoy.
Hodor a.k.a. “So THAT’S what you talkin’ bout, Willis!”
You mean to tell me Willis a.k.a Hodor has seen and been repeating the last phrase he uttered his entire life? Nah son! If I were Hodor, I would’a been chucked up the deuces to Ned, Tony and every other Stark in the known universe. My exit speech would’ve gone something like “See here Bran, I ain’t never coming home no more.” You the reason I can’t talk and had I known that earlier, I would’ve pushed you out of the window way before Jaimie Lannister. And although that violates the time-space continuum, you quantum leaping and ruining my future by ruining my past in the present also makes no sense. I don’t like you Bran Stark. Your moms told you to chill and you ain’t listen. The Three Eyed Raven told you to chill and you ain’t listen. You are a habitual line stepper!” Of course all of that would’ve been compressed into a hearty “Hodor” but that’s what Willis/Hodor should’ve been thinking.
Rebirth of Cool a.k.a Welcome back Mr. Snow
After Lord Commander Jon Snow received the American Me twenty one shank salute from the Knight’s Watch in Season 5’s finale, tons of fans were 50% sure they should panic. Given Game of Thrones’ affinity for murdering off numerous fan favorites, the homies had all but poured out their 40 ounces for the fallen (“Your watch has ended my dude”). But wait!! Who is that riding in to save day? None other than the 900 year old hottie, Melisandre the Red Witch. Some eye of Newt here, a bat wing there plus 2 tablespoons of nutmeg and Viola!! Jon Snow is back baby! And not a moment to soon ’cause after all…Winter is coming…oh wait….winter is here! Break out the Valyrian China baby for tonight, we dine on White Walker!
Cersei’s Lannister’s Fire Sale. Everything must go!
Oh no she didn’t? Oh yes she did. I don’t know why anyone thought Cersei was taking that case to trial. Most who wish not to stand trial often flee the scene and become fugitives. Cersei however has a totally different approach. Why not just execute the judge, jury, executioner, witnesses, courthouse, church, a few cousins, the Queen and supporting neighborhood? Seems reasonable. After being forcibly paraded through Westeros naked and having tomatoes thrown at her naked vagina, I’m not sure the level of “ration” the High Sparrow was expecting from the woman who has already displayed such reason throughout the series. Oh, and for good measure, why not have your 6’10, 300 pound giant “Sir Corpse A Lot” rape your enemies until she passes away slowly? Ah Cersei. Such a sweet woman you are. “SHAME…..SHAME…..SHAME!”
Death of Ramsey Bolton ak.a Ramsey Noodles
The reign of terror that was Ramsey Bolton could not have had a more fitting ending as he was reduced to puppy chow by his own hounds. Ramsey “Bobby Flay” Bolton, who had a penchant for chopping off penises and taking names (“Reek is my slave name”) as well as a host of other sadistic atrocities proved to be a full fledged asshole to the very end. Although he managed to take a Stark out in his final moments (R.I.P Rickon), having his face beaten in by Jon then eaten in by Lassie Bolton was a fate well deserved. And maybe jock itch. That would’ve been a pretty terrible fate too.
Ned Stark, You ain’t that baby daddy!
I speculated for months and maybe years as to who Jon Snow’s mammy and pappy actually were. My last thought was that seeing as how he resembled a thin Robert Baratheon who was known to be a legendary man whore, I assumed “Wild Boar Bobby” was Jon’s biological and not Ned. But alas, it was revealed that Jon Snow is in fact a Targaryen on his father side. So a guy who has been lied to about both his parents and was raised in a place called Winterfell is descendant of flame retardant dragon riders?! And you thought you had internal struggles. All the undetermined bloodlines out there in the seven kingdoms leaves me to believe there may be another Targaryen out there. We got 3 dragons but only 1 and a possible riders (Dany and Jon). My best guess is either Tyrion or Lord Varys will be the third unknown Targaryen to mount the dragon. We shall see.
Tune in next week for Part 2. Until then, “Valar Dohaeris.”