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Dis-engaged? Who Should Keep The Ring?
You know, there’s nothing like traditions mixed with an ever-evolving society to constantly confuse roles and norms. At some point on the gender evolutionary timeline, men were supposed to hunt and gather and women were supposed to cook and nurture. These beliefs are long since dead or dying (we hope) as they’ve been successfully disproven countless times by both sexes and a few intelligent chimps (“Caesar, meet Coco”).
Marriage and the practices that lead up to that event, particularly the proposing and engagement rituals, are other examples of ever-changing societal rituals that should be revisited. I asked a question to my friends that garnered some interesting responses and the idea for this article you see before you. That question was “Regardless of whose fault it is, should the man get the ring back if the engagement is called off?”
First off, what exactly are the literal but unwritten rules of engagement? The secret scrolls of Man Code scripture clearly state;
“After a thorough sowing of the royal oats, man shall propose to a woman he deems worthy to bare and nurture his offspring whilst also removing foreign stains from his consistently soiled trousers. Said proposal shall consist of the offering of a rare and precious stone that has existed since the dawn of civilization and has yet to be in short supply. As an acceptable dowry, the bride to be shall in turn provide 40 goats for currying and stewing .”
Ladies, I would love to share the scrolls with you but it is written with ink only men can read. This ink is comprised of the processed fecal matter of a male bull making it invisibull (see what I did there) to the naked female eye. #bullsh*t
Now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s move on to the results of said survey and who should get custody of the engagement ring. It was not surprising to discover that a majority of men believed they should in fact receive the ring back if the engagement is disengaged. This makes sense considering men were the ones to make this extravagant purchase in the first place. The unwritten rule is an engagement ring should cost 2- 3 months salary, so a male employee at Walmart would have spent close to 30 dollars on a ring! That is an absurdly huge sum of money and understandable as to why any man would want that back, especially one not employed at Walmart.
The Chauvinist in me was surprised to learn that a majority of the women who responded also believed the man should receive the ring back. Some had even stated prior instances where they offered to return the ring but the offer was rejected. Whether the offer was rejected as a result of nobility or guilt due to committing a break-up worthy act, the fact that offer was made is what was most surprising to me. I always assumed most women would display Gollum like characteristics and wants to keep the precious out of spite/vindication. I stand corrected.
The dominant and recurring argument regarding the proposal and ring was whether it should be treated as a letter of intent or a signing bonus. If treated as a letter of intent, the purchaser should receive the ring back. If viewed as a signing 
bonus, the receiver has the right to retain said “gift.”
What was most surprising were the amount of folk who cited the highest court in the land to lend credence to their arguments. Of course the judicial body in question was not the Supreme Court or any civil or appellate court you know of. The apparent Grand Puba and reigning authority on premarital affairs both foreign and domestic is none other than Chief Magistrate Judge Judith Susan Sheindlin p.k.a. Judge Judy. FYI, Judge “Sweet Booty” Judy believes the ring should be returned to the purchaser if the engagement is voided.
There are norms we are born into that no one bothers to question. Just as we can easily take Judge Judy’s word as law, we take the word of those that came before us without concern or consideration. Throughout the entire ring discussion, there was very little mention made of why we were even spending thousands of dollars on shiny stones in the first place. Is that really the kind of financial decisions you want your significant other making? Does it really matter if he / she gets you the 5 karat rock of ages? Should you even want it? Those are type the questions you may want to consider asking way before the priest starts asking “Do you take….?”
In the meantime, it looks like popular consensus states that he/she gets to go back to Jared for a refund if it doesn’t work out.
Almost every year for the past 6 years and on the same day, I’ve posted the same pic of me in the hospital during my temporary and untimely demise in 2015. A few weeks after I was back to “normal”, I asked Eric “Why’d you take the pics?” And he said, “I knew you would want to write about it if you lived.” Eric was right. Eric was often right and Eric always had my best interest at heart. I am going to miss my friend.
You ever meet someone and become friends immediately?! Well this was not the case with Eric. Before he was my manager at Morgan Stanley, I would often see this 6’4″, giant white guy walk up to the only black woman at work, say something then walk away without any hint of human emotion. Naturally I thought he was a jerk until I asked her “Yo, is that dude bothering you?” She laughed and proceeded to tell me he was a great person, which I ultimately got to experience first hand. Little did I know this Italian from Staten Island was more Brooklyn than most Brooklynites.
Eric was not with the shits!! If there were ever someone who lived their life in direct, honest and no uncertain terms, that would be Eric. He would ask me questions at work like “Why are the other consultants making more money than you?” I knew the answer to that question and so did he. Eric then proceeded to increase my salary by 15K. After arguing with all our managers that “You need to hire Alfred!”, they eventually did 1 year prior to the 2015 incident. In the hospital, one of my friends asked me, “What if you didn’t have health insurance when this happened?” I would be in debt for the rest of my life is the obvious answer. I still am in debt for the rest of my life but at least, it is to those who made sure I had a more enjoyable life and for that, I will gladly repay.
My mom loved to tell me the story of how she met Eric. After they told her I was going to be in the ICU for some time, she told the doctor “Well I’m not going anywhere.” She then hears a voice from that back of the room that says “Well I’m not going anywhere either!” That was Eric and in true form, he was at that hospital every single day until I was discharged.
Eric passed away in December 2021 of stage 4 cancer. After feeling faint on his way to my bbq, he went to get checked out and was diagnosed. During the past 5 years, Eric lost his mom, twin brother and dad. I can’t even begin to imagine what that must have felt like but I’m glad that pain he was feeling is no more.
From being my manager to my business partner, writer, book editor, artistic director, and most importantly, my friend, I am going to miss you MC Krispy E a.k.a “Enrique Pollazo!” And although you told me Enrique means Henry in Spanish and not Eric, it was too late!
Sidebar. The day I was discharged, while everyone was deciding what was best for me, no one had remembered that I would need clothes in order to leave the hospital. Eric shows up (unasked) with all the clothes I had on the day I coded, laundered and ready to go. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve friends like this but i need to keep doing it! Sidebar complete.
Rest in Peace Eric. “Be Good.”
I had the distinct pleasure of participating in a panel discussion on writing your first book, presented by the Harlem chapter of Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity Inc. Alongside Jim St. Germain, Author – A Stone of Hope: A Memoir and Dr. Keneshia Nicole Grant, Author – The Great Migration and the Democratic Party: Black Voters and the Realignment of American Politics in the 20th Century. We opined on pain points, benefits and strategies regarding our inaugural voyages into authorship. Feel free to watch for your self and I hope this provides some insight to all those looking to make the same voyage. Enjoy!
