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What Am I Doing Wrong?

sophiajacksoncan@gmail.com'

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Knowing something is an important step. It’s the key that opens the possibility of doing something. But it’s the doing that’s the hard part. Anyone can know something, just try doing something sometime and let me know how it goes.

Open your mind to being truly objective.

We all know diet and exercise are integral to a fit and healthy life but how many of us do something about it? We all know there’s poverty, hunger, and corruption in the world – how many of us do something about it? Knowing is cute and all, but doing is everything.

Sometimes knowing is easy. Let’s say you weigh twice as much as you should. You can feel it. You can see it. But what happens when knowing isn’t so obvious. For example, how do you know when your thinking is toxic? And why is that important?

It’s important because undiscovered bad behavior is unmanaged and therefore uncontrolled behavior. Uncontrolled behavior snowballs over time into a grotesque compound. Into something you can never hope to control. Maybe you implode. Maybe you explode. Either way, it ain’t pretty.

To put a finer point on it: if you don’t know you have a problem, you can’t solve the problem. Problems tend to get more complicated the less you control them, until they are too big to solve. Here are three tips to learning “if it’s you.”

1. Quiet your mind

First things first, you have to quiet the noise upstairs. The mind is filled with frustrations and pressures, facts and figures, bad news and fake news,  assumptions and recollections. Opening your mind to being truly objective is probably impossible, but you have to get as close to it as you can. You must be so objective that if someone stated that “the sun is a square” you would hear them out before making a final judgement. Like I said, it’s not easy to get there, and that’s one of the reasons humans meditate. But you can quiet the mind in other ways, too. Do something exhausting like laps in the pool. Concentrate on something easy but complex, like cleaning that dusty chandelier. Take a long hot shower or listen to music while driving. Whatever it takes. Fill your life with these things until you can more easily identity those moments when your mind isn’t racing. It’s much easier to be self reflective when you quiet the mind. You’ll be less prone to self-deprecation as well, which is just another way our brains force status quo. Status quo is the arch-enemy of change.

…undiscovered bad behavior is unmanaged and therefore uncontrolled behavior.

2. Ask direct questions 

Find someone you trust and ask them direct questions. Tell them you need them to be 100% honest. That lying to you will not help. That no matter how they answer, you promise to not get angry. That you’re creating a safe space for honesty.

Then ask your questions. If you have any sinking suspicions, go ahead and ask directly. Do I have anger issues? Do I have a nervous tic? Am I shrill? How bad is my breath? Do I drink too much? I don’t smell funny to you, do I? What about here?

Knowing is cute and all, but doing is everything.

If you’re brave, you can throw out a wider net and ask something like “Is there something about me no one wants to say to my face?” The answers may not always be helpful, but the possibility for teaching moments are many. At the very least you’ll learn who you can trust for honesty and maybe a little something about how you are perceived.

Feel free to get the feedback of more than one person. In fact, that’s how you should do it. Extra points if one of those people is a psychologist.

3. Emulate researched behavior

Research humans that have their act together and examine their behavior. Then use that quiet mind we talked about to make comparisons to your own choices. Emulate some of the best behavior you see, especially from those that know what it’s like to re-right the ship. Maybe some are friends and family. Maybe some are strangers. Writers, artists, athletes. There’s nothing but opinions and commentary on the internet, and plenty in libraries and bookstores if that’s more your thing. So many folks that have done the hard work of becoming happy and healthy have blogs you can read, podcasts you can listen to, or books you can buy. Absorb it all, find something that strikes a note of truth in you, then apply what you’ve learned to change your thinking and ultimately your behavior.

All change requires commitment. That one sit-up I did a month ago didn’t benefit me at all. Had I done 30 every morning since then, I bet I’d be feeling the benefits now, and probably be eager to add more repetitions to my regimen. Doing fosters more doing. Doing is everything.

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Rest Easy Eric Curran a.k.a M.C Krispy E

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Almost every year for the past 6 years and on the same day, I’ve posted the same pic of me in the hospital  during my temporary and untimely demise  in 2015. A few weeks after I was back to “normal”, I asked Eric “Why’d you take the pics?” And he said, “I knew you would want to write about it if you lived.” Eric was right. Eric was often right and Eric always had my best interest at heart. I am going to miss my friend.

You ever meet someone and become friends immediately?! Well this was not the case with Eric. Before he was my manager at Morgan Stanley, I would often see this 6’4″, giant white guy walk up to the only black woman at work, say something then walk away without any hint of human emotion. Naturally I thought he was a jerk until I asked her “Yo, is that dude bothering you?” She laughed and proceeded to tell me he was a great person, which I ultimately got to experience first hand. Little did I know this Italian from Staten Island was more Brooklyn than most Brooklynites.

Eric was not with the shits!! If there were ever someone who lived their life in direct, honest and no uncertain terms, that would be Eric. He would ask me questions at work like “Why are the other consultants making more money than you?” I knew the answer to that question and so did he. Eric then proceeded to increase my salary by 15K. After arguing with all our managers that “You need to hire Alfred!”, they eventually did 1 year prior to the 2015 incident. In the hospital, one of my friends asked me, “What if you didn’t have health insurance when this happened?” I would be in debt for the rest of my life is the obvious answer. I still am in debt for the rest of my life but at least, it is to those who made sure I had a more enjoyable life and for that, I will gladly repay.

My mom loved to tell me the story of how she met Eric. After they told her I was going to be in the ICU for some time, she told the doctor “Well I’m not going anywhere.” She then hears a voice from that back of the room that says “Well I’m not going anywhere either!” That was Eric and in true form, he was at that hospital every single day until I was discharged.

Eric passed away in December 2021 of stage 4 cancer. After feeling faint on his way to my bbq, he went to get checked out and was diagnosed. During the past 5 years, Eric lost his mom, twin brother and dad. I can’t even begin to imagine what that must have felt like but I’m glad that pain he was feeling is no more.

It’s been a bit difficult to deal with it to be quite honest and I’ve been writing this in my head for years but never had the bravery or grace to accept that my friend wouldn’t be here soon. I also can’t imagine what it must be like to lose your entire family nucleus unexpectedly. In true Eric fashion however, I would like this to not be about me but whomever has lost someone and has been coping. I’ve always intimated that my life would not be as enriched as it was were it not for the people in it. The problem with that is there is also no way to deny that it feels empty without those who helped craft your path. Rather than focus on the negative, I would rather focus on the examples of duty, family and emotional intelligence. All concepts reinforced by Eric that have led me to have successful relationships since I’ve put them into practice.

From being my manager to my business partner, writer, book editor, artistic director, and most importantly, my friend, I am going to miss you MC Krispy E a.k.a “Enrique Pollazo!” And although you told me Enrique means Henry in Spanish and not Eric, it was too late!

Sidebar. The day I was discharged, while everyone was deciding what was best for me, no one had remembered that I would need clothes in order to leave the hospital. Eric shows up (unasked) with all the clothes I had on the day I coded, laundered and ready to go. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve friends like this but i need to keep doing it! Sidebar complete.

Rest in Peace Eric. “Be Good.”

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Writing Your First Book / Should I Self Publish?

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I had the distinct pleasure of  participating in a panel discussion on writing your first book, presented by the Harlem chapter of Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity Inc.  Alongside Jim St. Germain, Author – A Stone of Hope: A Memoir and Dr. Keneshia Nicole Grant, Author – The Great Migration and the Democratic Party: Black Voters and the Realignment of American Politics in the 20th Century.  We opined on pain points, benefits and strategies regarding our inaugural voyages into authorship. Feel free to watch for your self and I hope this provides some insight to all those looking to make the same voyage. Enjoy!

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Chadwick Boseman Forever!!

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It is clear that Chadwick Boseman chose iconic roles like Thurgood Marshall, James Brown, Jackie Robinson and Black Panther with deliberate intent and for a specific purpose. In an age where positive roles for Black actors is often sparse, Chadwick managed to land and portray historical figures that made most respect his talents if not revel in his ability to transition effortlessly for one character to another. Even I had to give his African accent a solid B+ (It’s the highest grade the Nigerian Standards Bureau can give for an African accent to a non African FYI.)

Holding out and preparing for these dynamic roles came with both great frustration and incredible resolve I’m certain. Not to mention the taxing ordeal of battling Colon Cancer as the grueling scheduling of filming and increasing responsibility for positive representation loomed. Even under extreme duress, Chadwick’s commitment to others appeared to outweigh his own tribulations, unbeknownst to us all.

Black Panther may have been just a movie to some and that may be because some can easily rattle off 10 movies with a king of non Af-Am origin. It represented a lot more to others. Albeit imagined, imagery on cinema often accomplishes more to augment the social narrative and society itself than actual reality. If negative stereotypes influence perception then positive ones absolutely have the same converse effect.

Even in jest, the cultural misappropriation of raisins in potato salad on SNL skits directly spoke to the tampering of black culture to which T’challa championed, represented and aptly responded “Oh hell Nah Karen!”

If you don’t understand the relevance of representation, it’s probably because you are thoroughly represented. After all, no one is ever grateful for every breath they take until they are gasping for air.

R.I.P Chadwick Boseman. Thank you for breathing life into the possibility of Black excellence.

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