Op Ed
The Rebirth of the Jive Turkey
If you gotta believe in something, why not believe in me?
Every urban city and black community has at least one. You know him, the juke and jive Pastor shouting verses from the good book to a needy audience, his words and tenacity on the pulpit matched only by his lust and reckless indiscretions in the streets. His congregation knows his shortcomings. They’ve heard about him and the bottle service girl at Aces. They knew what was up when young Daphne from the choir always stayed late with him after Wednesday Bible Study. They’ve smelled the weed on his breath. But he’s good though, his gift of gab is top of the food chain good. That’s what has gotten him to this point, his ability to talk his way passed you.
So, even when you see him do something questionable, and you approach him on it, he will find an adjective and verb combo to explain his bullshit away. You’ll hear his eloquent excuse and find yourself attracted to its eloquence, and that’s when he knows that he has you. He’ll reassure you of your concerns, smile until you smile back, and go on his way, a snake that you just petted like he was man’s best friend.
“Every urban city and black community has at least one.”
Dr. Umar Johnson calls himself the Prince of Pan-Africanism, which on its own is grounds to call this fool a jive turkey. Kwame Nkrumah, Julius Nyerere, Marcus Garvey, Malcolm X, and Haile Selassie are some of the icons and advocates of Pan-Africanism. What has he done to even place his name in their presence? I’ll wait.
So, this jive turkey recently made the news because he posted a Facebook Live clip where he viciously attacked Sara Suten Seti, who is pretty jive in his own right. He calls him all types of nigga, he jokes that because Seti is light skinned that he’s a white man, all kinds of ignorant and jive ass commentary about Seti, throughout the 45 minute video clip. This coming from a man that is supposed to be a leader of the black conscious community. Philly skull cap low, These Hoes ain’t loyal ringtone exposing fake phone-calls, this cat really ended 2016 with a bang. You couldn’t make this video up if you wanted to.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxlYCMN8M34
I wasn’t even going to mention it, though. I was into my holiday season, Umoja, Kujichagulia and all that. The Twilight Zone marathon was on, and that’s my shit so I was going to let it ride, but then this jive turkey goes and records another video, a backhanded apology for his nonsense where he blamed all of us for how the whole thing went down. It’s our fault that the whole thing went viral, our fault that his phone rang while he was fronting like he was on it, our fault that he called another Black man the word nigga over and over and over again. He said that people like us were never Team Poppa.
What??
Yes, he calls himself Team Poppa.
In the movie The American President, Michael J. Fox says, “People want leadership. And, in the absence of genuine leadership they will listen to whoever steps up to the microphone.” Alex P. Keaton was absolutely right. These jack-legged, fish-eyed fools always seem to get in where they fit in, entangling those who are in most need of guidance, anointed as leaders from their very own tongues, a self-proclamation of divinity, the great I AM, purposed with being your saving grace, for as long as you spend your tithes offerings or donations.
Where’s that school that you’ve been raising funds for the past five, six years to build?
Where’s your proof that you’re a descendant of Frederick Douglass? Ken Morris, an actual descendant of Frederick Douglas, issued a statement specifically denying your claim. You folk can read it right here.
Really my dude, who are you???
This cat, running around calling himself Dr. Umar Johnson can’t even prove that he has a PhD. His name is Jermaine Shoemake, a jive turkey that owes everything to social media. Read the facts about him here.
“These jack-legged, fish-eyed fools always seem to get in where they fit in, entangling those who are in most need of guidance…”
P.S. I have been watching The Twilight Zone marathon for at least 25 years. They only made 156 episodes of the original series. But no matter how many times I watch the marathon, I see episodes that I’ve never seen before. I think it’s a conspiracy, or maybe something even deeper. I think the final episode of The Twilight Zone stars me, a hopeless chap that watches the same marathon every year only to find new episodes that he’s never seen before. Cue Rod Serling and the spooky music.
Almost every year for the past 6 years and on the same day, I’ve posted the same pic of me in the hospital during my temporary and untimely demise in 2015. A few weeks after I was back to “normal”, I asked Eric “Why’d you take the pics?” And he said, “I knew you would want to write about it if you lived.” Eric was right. Eric was often right and Eric always had my best interest at heart. I am going to miss my friend.
You ever meet someone and become friends immediately?! Well this was not the case with Eric. Before he was my manager at Morgan Stanley, I would often see this 6’4″, giant white guy walk up to the only black woman at work, say something then walk away without any hint of human emotion. Naturally I thought he was a jerk until I asked her “Yo, is that dude bothering you?” She laughed and proceeded to tell me he was a great person, which I ultimately got to experience first hand. Little did I know this Italian from Staten Island was more Brooklyn than most Brooklynites.
Eric was not with the shits!! If there were ever someone who lived their life in direct, honest and no uncertain terms, that would be Eric. He would ask me questions at work like “Why are the other consultants making more money than you?” I knew the answer to that question and so did he. Eric then proceeded to increase my salary by 15K. After arguing with all our managers that “You need to hire Alfred!”, they eventually did 1 year prior to the 2015 incident. In the hospital, one of my friends asked me, “What if you didn’t have health insurance when this happened?” I would be in debt for the rest of my life is the obvious answer. I still am in debt for the rest of my life but at least, it is to those who made sure I had a more enjoyable life and for that, I will gladly repay.
My mom loved to tell me the story of how she met Eric. After they told her I was going to be in the ICU for some time, she told the doctor “Well I’m not going anywhere.” She then hears a voice from that back of the room that says “Well I’m not going anywhere either!” That was Eric and in true form, he was at that hospital every single day until I was discharged.
Eric passed away in December 2021 of stage 4 cancer. After feeling faint on his way to my bbq, he went to get checked out and was diagnosed. During the past 5 years, Eric lost his mom, twin brother and dad. I can’t even begin to imagine what that must have felt like but I’m glad that pain he was feeling is no more.
From being my manager to my business partner, writer, book editor, artistic director, and most importantly, my friend, I am going to miss you MC Krispy E a.k.a “Enrique Pollazo!” And although you told me Enrique means Henry in Spanish and not Eric, it was too late!
Sidebar. The day I was discharged, while everyone was deciding what was best for me, no one had remembered that I would need clothes in order to leave the hospital. Eric shows up (unasked) with all the clothes I had on the day I coded, laundered and ready to go. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve friends like this but i need to keep doing it! Sidebar complete.
Rest in Peace Eric. “Be Good.”
